Thursday, February 14, 2008

My Marriage Meltdown: Discovering My Soulmate 10 Years After I Married Him

Today is Valentines Day and although I think it is mostly nothing more than a commerical holiday I'm going to use it as an excuse to tell you a strange an unexpected love story.

Once upon a time I met the love of my life and his name was Gabriel. Gabriel was beautiful and I loved him desperately and wholly but one day he stopped loving me and I was left broken hearted and alone. While in this broken state I dated crazy dark freak after crazy dark freak but during that time I also found my best-friend and that was JimmyEatWorld (JimmyEW).

After dating too many scary freaks I gave up on dating and told JimmyEW, who I loved very much in that philia way, that I was just going to marry him. I was kidding when I said that to him however one night something compelled me to kiss him. Something that made no sense and I always attributed to God giving me a little nudge…It was that midnight kiss that opened a door and I decided not to shut it. A few months later he asked me to marry him for real and I said “sure, maybe in a few years”. I knew he was what I wanted in a husband and partner. He was good, kind, honest and true.

Now we were married, I was a “wife” and I was a wife who was living a lie because my husband thought I loved him. And although I did love him very much, not in the way I should have. Never in the way he deserved.

At night I would dream of my love for Gabriel and wake feeling guilty as if I were betraying my husband nightly. These dreams plagued me but I shoved my feelings down trying to hide them from myself and from JimmyEW. At night I would pray to God that he free me from Gabriel but it never worked, he was always there in my heart tormenting me. And because he was there JimmyEW was never able to enter.

And so we lived our lives. We had some major ups and downs in our life but our relationship always remained pretty constant. I continued to tell myself that the deep love I'd had would eventually come with JimmyEW but it never did. Then it started to crop up, the longing for something more and the dreams, they never stopped. Never. 12 years after he left me Gabriel was still there inside me, afflicting me. And all of these things started spilling out of me, my life lost all joy, I no longer found pleasure in my children and I was vacant. It was like I was living my life through sheer force of will while my spirit was elsewhere.

JimmyEW began to grow troubled by what he was seeing so he read the equivalent of my diary…he hacked my email. And there he discovered that great dark secret that he had never known. He came to me and took me to the beach then confronted me about my feelings. I spent a few seconds trying to figure out if I could deny this or if I should let it all out. I decided to let it all out. I told him everything, the dreams, not loving him and the thing he never knew which was that I had never loved him. This shattered his world. Discovering his life was not what it seemed is not an easy thing to deal with.

JimmyEW had a whole host of things go through him, anger and sadness the main ones. He was so mad I had lied to him for all those years and so hurt that he wasn’t loved. Angry I had had children with him, angry that I had hidden so much from him. He told me he could let me go and he thought he could still be friends with me.

And you know what? I wanted to go, I wanted to be free. I watched him calmly with a stone face taking every insult and every crying question he threw at me, but my arms ached horribly. I had so much adrenaline running through me that my arms wanted to lift a car off a trapped child, but there was no car to lift and no child to save so instead I stared at the green water and wondered if I could jump in and let myself just die. We pulled ourselves together enough to get the kids from daycare and once we put them in bed our emotional conversation continued.

That night he slept on the couch and something about being separated from him in that way freaked me out. I snuck out of bed and laid on the floor at his feet rocking back and forth crying and singing Father Abraham. He let me stay beside him because I was getting a bit loony, he was kind even in his anger and sadness.

The next day we sat together and continued to try to come to some conclusion and that was when Sister HB called me and told me to go see a Therapist she knew (I had texted her the day before to tell her what was going on). JimmyEW didn’t want to go, what was the point but because he had felt a need to seek advice from HB about what was happening and since it was HB suggesting it he decided to listen to her and go see the Sage. We got in that afternoon and there I told the Sage everything. I cried a lot and JimmyEW was calm and collected. The Sage asked what JimmyEW wanted and he said he just wanted to give it a month and then decide, he didn’t want to make any rash decisions.

Then the Sage asked me what I wanted and this is where it all changed for me. Because as much as I wanted to be free to fall in love with a person who I would love desperately I knew that wasn’t the right answer. So I said “in a perfect world I would love my husband” and from my lips to Gods ears because I swear to you in that moment it was like a veil was lifted off my face and I saw my husband for the first time. I am fighting back tears while writing this part, so powerful is this moment to me. But something cleared my vision freeing me and I suddenly truly loved him in the way I always wanted to. JimmyEW did decide to give me a month and we drove back to our home to debrief.

We arrived home on that sunny September day, me very uncertain of my future but very certain that I loved this man like I never had before. He took my hand and I bit my lip hopefully. Then we climbed high up the hill that overlooks the valley our home is in. There in the sunlight, the warmth shining down on us he took me in his arms and told me he was going to choose me. He thought we could work it out.
(the picture to the left is that actual moment of us sitting on the hilltop for your viewing pleasure)

I don’t know how he came to this conclusion because if I hadn’t loved him for 10 years what could work that out? But he says he knew that God was telling him that was the right choice. And although I was afraid to say it, afraid he wouldn’t believe me for all the years I had said it but had never meant it the way I should have, I told him for the first time that I loved him.

And God smiled down on me that day because JimmyEW could see in my eyes it was true, he could feel it was true and we could feel God around us and he knew that there was a path that we were meant to be on together.

We basked there together, tears flowing down our face, crying and laughing at the same time for this sudden discovery of each other. He realized that although he’d always loved me he had never loved me in the way he now did. I texted a quick “everything is ok” to Sister HB (who had to pull over to the side of the road the day before because we were giving her a heart attack) and we got our babies from Daycare.

We are both changed for this experience. He has become a very strong, wonderful man and I find myself continually amazed by him. And he suddenly can eat spicy food too…that is just weird.

Me…well I can tell you I have had one more dream about Gabriel since that Hilltop Moment. But in that dream he was a fat gay man! And I now that I am free of him I can see how that sadness and misplaced love weighed me down my whole marriage. I have such joy in my life now. I get such delight in simple things like watching my oldest child carefully dunking a cookie in a cup of milk.

And together we suddenly are ultra tuned to each other. He seems to sense me and my emotions and I his, even if we are separated by hundreds of miles. The weird unexplainable moments we’ve had can attest to this.

Before we moved along two parallel lines but finally we’ve come together and move along one. We are synchronous, we are connected and we are in love! JimmyEW and I plan to be recommitted this fall, this time with both of us desperately in love with each other. And after our ceremony it is our plan to also be baptized as well since we see Honey Bunch God as having been such an intregral part of us finding each other.

Somehow my destiny is wrapped up in him. Not in that obvious way but something deeper and more profound. All I know is that now I know for sure he is what you’d call “my divine mate” because I truly feel like God intended him to be my husband-he is my God Intended Mate. God, in his every Ezer-ness rescued me in the nick of time and lifted that veil that covered my eyes for so long. It seemed to happen the instant I asked for it. I had the right answer when my Sage asked me what I wanted. I asked and I received and I am so incredibly grateful and blessed for it.

There is still healing to be done. My darling JimmyEW still is over come with sadness at the lie he unknowingly lived for nearly 12 years. But there is also great joy that comes in moments when we see how much happier and full of love we are now.

So I travel this path but not on my own because I have my human Ezer K Negdo and together we will discover life as we were meant to have it. Happy Valentines Day to all. Go find joy in your life and if you don’t have a love at the moment try to take joy in the love around you because it is a beautiful and wonderful thing.
What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.


Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

Happy Valentines Day, My LOVE!!!

Green Eyes

I once thought you had the coolest eyes
almost perfect eyes
Almond shaped
Long lashes
Green hues mixed with grey
Brown around the pupil
And a sultry sexy look that stopped me dead.

But now...
All I see is love
I look into your eyes and see your world
I see your world filled with love as you look back at me

Now all I see your soul, your kiss, your perfect love.
When I look into your eyes,
I don’t see color or shape
I see My love.
And my soul is giddy as I look at true love.

saintseester said...

So, I was crying. And I came to comment. And then I saw the poem, and now I am crying some more. Thanks for sharing this story with us.

fishwithoutbicycle said...

What an amazing story Sassy, it brought tears to my eyes. I'm so happy you managed to work things out and recognise the true love of your life. Oh and I loved the bit about your dreaming that Gabriel is a fat gay man ha ha. Happy Valentines to you. Fish x

Sister Honey Bunch said...

I heart Jimmy.

Michelle Smiles said...

Holy Crap that is some love story!

Anonymous said...

WOW - an amazing love story - and one that is real... one that will last a lifetime. Thanks - needed to read that today. I hope to find my Jimmy EW someday!


Jan said...

what a tale.

Ashlee said...

Yes, I am a sap and totally cried at your story. Thank you for sharing with everyone. Love isn't a fairytale. True love takes work and commitment. But when you give your WHOLE get so much back in return. My favorite picture is the one where you guys are lying on the grass {I think that's what you are doing}. I love JEW's poem too. He rocks!
Happy Valentine's Day!

You too Honey Bunch!

Sister Sassy said...

Thank you for your comments. Every time I read one i just totally beam! Sorry if anyone cried while in public (like Ms. Chic who said she got teared up and had to stop)

Michelle, Lisa, Jan: Welcome and thanks for stopping by!

And Fish- I particularly liked Gabe being a fat gay man. That was awesome.

Half-Past Kissin' Time said...

Honest. Real. Beautiful. Thanks for sharing your story.

Lisa Stone said...

I know a fat man too. :) What a brave and beautiful story -- thanks Sister. I'll pass it on many times, I am sure.

Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

Here is one I wrote for you today, my love:

Spirit Walk

There it is, if you look through those eyes
Walking, just walking
not incircles, but no goal in sight
just walking

Looking harder you see two
where there is really one
but not just walking

They are talking, laughing, crying, loving
and living

Two spirits walking as one

Thanks choosing me! ;)

Sister Sassy said...

not that this is a JimmyEW love fest...but it is!

Omg, this man is writing me poems!!! This is a guy who reads business books for fun and has never written anything creatively in his ENTIRE LIFE and since September he's written notebooks worth of poems. And some are quite good. Where did he come from??

Love really is amazing!

Jen said...

This is such a beautiful story, and solid proof that God does indeed work in mysterious ways. I think yours is one of the greatest love stories I've ever heard. You're both such amazing people! Just think, if he hadn't listened to his heart and read your email, if you hadn't been honest with him, if HB hadn't recommended that you go to the therapist... Well, it truly is God's work!

Happy Valentine's Day!

unbeelievable said...

That was a beautiful, beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing it!

High Hopes said...

Sister Sassy, sometimes we don't know what we have and the gloriousness of it until we are about to lose it. God does move in mysterious ways. Love is gentle, love is kind, love is not boastful, love is patience, and forgiveness - this was in my wedding vows.

I married my sweetheart, he completes me. We met 25 years ago when I was 18.

Hang onto your moments, forget the other stuff and build on what you have now. Sometimes you have to renovate a house to make it stronger and you already had a good foundation of friendship.

Wow, I need more kleenex!

Toasting you and your sweetie this Valentine's Day!

echolily said...

As I already told you this story made me want to kick your a**. I am glad you are no longer lost :) I think you and JimmyEW are wonderful and I wish you many, many happy years together.

Ashlee said...

I was wondering if your JimmyEW would write me a poem. I don't get many around my place. :0) You already got TWO today!

Once again....I love your story. :0)

Kathryn said...

Wow! That is a great story! God is good!
Thanks for stopping by my site. I'm so glad that you did or I would have never read this amazing post! Well done!

High Hopes said...

Aren't second chances wonderful! I was so touched by this I had to stop by once more and read it.

You are very lucky, hold onto this very tightly!

Anonymous said...

Your story is amazing. It's interesting to me in how I have always been so deeply in love with my husband, but the trials we went through to get to our wedding day, the pain and suffering that two people who could not be more in love had to deal with to get to that alter. It was all worth it, though, and I thank God for my husband and stepkids.

You and JimmyEW have amazing spirits, and I am deeply moved that you both chose each other and to work it out through such a tough time. Thank you for not giving up, thank you for all of us who see divorce rates and just hope and pray that we will not meet that fate. I admire and emulate your perserverence, and I think I'll keep this story in mind for those tough times.

And good for HB for supporting your marriage vows first and foremost, and not just siding with whatever her sister wants. That is true family. I even wrote a vow for the congregation at my marriage, where they had to promise to support our marriage, even in the tough times, that we are now one, and that taking sides is betraying the vows they witnessed and supported that day.

Oops! Too long!!


Martha said...

Sassy? That was know what, though? I think you always loved him, you were just preoccupied with something you wanted that didn't work out. Gabriel was just a fantasy. And fantasies have a way of tricking us into thinking real life isn't good enough. Life with Gabriel wouldn't have been nearly as good as with Jimmy EW - I'm sure of it.

Congrats to you for appreciating your true love. And making it fantastic!


Wade Huntsinger said...

Sassy, you amaze me. Jimmy seems to be a good man, someone I would respect. I loved the story and thank you for sharing it. TC and I are so much in Love today as much as we ever have been. After 25 years I can still say that from the moment I first laid eyes on her I knew that she was my God-Given mate. Good post and again thanks. HB good job on counseling. Today, of all our friends and family that we gre up with, there are only two couples left married. How sad!!!!!!

Sister Sassy said...

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I feel lucky every day to have him in my life.

Kathryn, thanks for stopping by!

Ashlee, JimmyEW wrote you a poem lol.

Highhopes- I do loves second chances. Without them I would be lost and alone and broken because I would have missed out on my true mate.

martha, I don't know if I always was in love with him. I know I always loved him just not in the right way. My Sage suggested that when the stuff happened with Gabe I took my heart offline so wouldn't have been available to anyone. Who knows. But I think that I would have fallen in love if things had been differently. There are little oddities that suggest I was tuned to him early on... but that is another story.

Thanks Wade, I'm glad you and TC are so happy!

Sister Honey Bunch said...

The poem Jimmy EW wrote for me is beautiful.

dlyn said...

It takes a lot to make me cry, but I do believe you have succeeded. blessings to both of you and a long life of loving each other.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Absolutely beautiful. Sometimes crisis creates beauty. I'm glad you guys made it through!

Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

Happy Hil-a-versary my love!!!

The Hill

I picked it up, taking a decade to find
in one hand my broken love
and the other hand my broken love

We walked up that hill
unsure of words of truth
and the rain and winds spoke by not speaking

We sat and I saw hope in her soul eyes
and the clouds quietly left us to be

And then God spoke
using his sunny voice
he filled our world with Sunrays, Warmth, and Sunlight
Destiny a moment away

I looked and I saw it
leaping out of her pupils
I stopped breathing and shouted at the same time

In the next ray of sun she shouted
but the words seemed silent next to her eyes,
the love in her eyes

Sunlight, Warmth, and Sunlighted
everywhere and everything

My heart beated for the first time
Our love now forged in fire and light

And God joined us
The purness of His love felt deep in our bones
He joined our souls together
and pointed
and turning at the exact same time

A path - a brand new path
never before seen opened up
for our conjoined spirits to walk

Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

Ode to Sister Honey Bunch

The thought kept coming to me
Like a comforting breeze
in the middle of choas

"If I just talk to her"
"If I just talk to her,
She can help"

Then it came, "Talk to the Sage"
'No I dont want to'
Then I remembered her,
If she says so, then
we will go to him

And that was the nudge
we needed
That nudge -from God
through you
Put us on this path

Without that nudge
-unspeakable, unthinkable

But we are on the path
because that is and was
supposed to be
What God always intended

And it started with you

Thank you Sister

Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

Joy inside my love

Joy is holding your child with a smile piercing your lips
Joy is quietly grabbing my arm
so you can show me your oldest son
carefully dunking a cookie in his milk

Joy is tickling Sawyers big fat belly

Joy is on your face
like sunshine

Joy is knowing you are finally here

Joy is holding you tightly
while we look at the
night sky and speak of our
new path

Joys IS our new path
knowing our future is forever changed
and God moved the block for us to find the way

Joy is thinking that 50 years
from now we will still
be madly, deeply, and wholey
in love

Joy is looking in your eyes
and seeing the love that
was absent
and knowing it will never leave

Joy is now having
my best friend
my lover
the mother of my beautiful children
and my soul mate
in one beautiful, hot little package

30! Yahoo! ;)

Shalee said...

I've no idea how I missed this post, but it was well worth the read... You and I could talk, sister. Could we talk!

I love that way that you've allowed God to take you both to places you you've never gone before!