Yeah, His Eye Aint Always So Queer

My lovah (AKA my husband Tom) and I were walking out of the grocery store yesterday afternoon. We were chatting about our fabulous weekend and what we needed to do when we got home.

Pretty much he was planning on grilling our dinner (as he should) and hanging our new 2-person swing (AKA the lovehs swang) .

I was planning on watching him do those things with a nice refreshing beverage. Then we were going to take Logan out for ice cream.

I happened to glance over at Tom and saw that my husband....the man who has given me such savvy fashion advice...was wearing two different sets of plaids.

A large-plaid shirt and smaller-plaid shorts.

Oh. Mah. Gawt. I don't know that I'll ever listen to him again.

And also? Can someone please tell me why my lashes have suddenly refused to curl? Seriously. These bad boys are STICK straight. I looked at my eyelash curler and it doesn't appear to have been tampered with. I look like I took a straight iron to my lashes. I'm afraid I might poke out Logan's eye when I give him some snuggles tonight. Seriously.
What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

Fathers Day Tribute

I once had a massage at a place in town, it was so freaking good that, as Sister Mary Elephant said, "I felt like I got properly laid." Quite funny, but true. I left that session feeling like I could fly, feeling great emotionally and energized physically.

When I heard that this awesome place was having an essay contest for Father's Day to win a deserving Dad a 1 hour massage, I knew I had to enter. If I felt as good as I did after only 1/2 hour, I can't imagine what an hour would do for someone. Especially my tired and over worked husband. So I wrote and rewrote and finally submitted my piece a few hours before the deadline. And this is what I wrote.

My husband is in dire need of relaxation. He works incredibly hard to provide for our family at the expense of his health, body and time with his family. This time away from us especially weighs on him. Every day that he is away from us he feels like he is trading precious time, for money. I tell him his money is providing our livelihood and paying our bills but the guilt still weighs on him.

He works very hard, often working 14 ½ hour days at least twice a week. Every other weekend we hardly see him at all. He works from 8am Saturday morning till 10:30 pm then turns around the next day and goes in to open the place at 5am. This schedule drains him, beating him down and making him very tired by the time it comes to Sunday night. Then he has to get up and work from 8am till 10:30 on Monday. I truly don't know how he does it.

We try to compensate for this lack of time by shoving everything we can into the weekends he is home, but I fear that just drains him all the more. He truly has no down time, no time to himself. Every moment that he has free is spent with me and our children, he takes nothing for himself. He spends no time or money on himself. If you want to read what his typical weekend is like, click this link to read exactly what he does every day.

My husband is amazing. He's an amazing man, husband, friend and most importantly, father. He himself grew up without a father, or rather, four awful fathers that didn't stick around very long. Not having a father around him made him all the more determined to be the father he wished he always had. The father he never had a chance to have. I find his patience, love and the guidance of our children amazing. A man who grew up in chaos is a loving rock of stability for our family; he is this without having had anyone to learn from. He parents from his heart and his heart is filled with goodness.

We have been married for nearly 11 years, been parents for 4 and he is truly the love of my life, my partner and my best friend. A massage would not only be a great gift for him, but it would help him therapeutically. It would give him the time and relaxation his body and spirit need to continue being a great husband, father and employee. Please consider JimmyEW.

...and guess what? I won! Or rather, he did!

Happy Father's Day to all you dads out there (especially you Wade, our one constant male reader! ;) ). Hope you have a great one!
Below is a video I made for him for Father's Day two years ago, just after Sawyer was born. I LOVE it.

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

What Makes a Good Wife?

I didn't think I'd ever publish this blog because I just didn't think it was that good. But its a Saturday, I'm way tired and I'm downstate sitting through a wedding and feeding the kids candy to keep them quiet. So here you go. Its all I got to give right now.

Sister Mary Elephant emailed me this article thinking it would be good fodder for our blog, and she was right. Take a few minutes to read below and please refrain from throwing hard objects at your computer screen while you read The Good Slave's Wife's Guide





So Whoa, right? This triggered something in me specifically though because I used to always hate the term "good wife". JimmyEW would sometimes tell me I was a good wife and I would always say accusingly "what does that mean?" He'd just shake his head and quiet down.

It was weird how that term always struck a nerve with me, something about it I just hated. I think maybe it had something to do with my belief that a "Good Wife" had to be subservient to her husband, be a good housekeeper (which we all know I fail at miserably) and was the lesser sex. But I think there may have been more, it could have been a subconscious reaction due to the fact I didn't love him and how could I possibly be a "good wife" if I didn't love him?

I would never have guessed that my lack of love may have been the root of my dislike of the term until our marriage meltdown occurred. Now that our relationship is so much more equal emotionally I beam when he tells me I'm a "Good Wife". I now know being a "Good Wife" doesn't mean making sure there are no toys to trip on when he walks in the door but instead making sure he knows that he is someone I love and respect. At least it turns out that is what it means to me.

But I'm interested in what you have to say. What does being a "Good Spouse/Partner" mean to you? And I'm saying spouse/partner so everyone can give their two cents regardless of gender or orientation. And you single people can answer too because I'm sure you have some ideas of your own.

Also, what do you consider a good husband/partner/wife to you?

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

The Great Geo Cache Adventure!: Putting the X in excitement

After JimmyEW and I had our marriage meltdown we were asked by our Sage what we did for fun. We stared at him blankly. I stammered. JimmyEW stuttered. The answer of watching TV and pretending to win the lottery were just really lame answers. But truthfully, it was all we had. We had nothin else. Nothing.

That really bothered us. So we canceled cable, began talking a heck of a lot more, read aloud to each other at night and even began writing together. It was wonderful. One day I mentioned to JimmyEW that I'd like to look into Geocaching.

Main Entry:	geocaching
Part of Speech:	n
Definition:	a type of scavenger hunt for waterproof containers bearing treasure using the containers' exact geographic coordinates and Global Positioning System devices
Example:	Geocaching can be a lot of work, especially in a remote urban areas

Above from Dictionary.com... and uh... isn't "remote urban" kind of an oxymoron?

You can go out looking for caches or go out hiding them. When you find it, sometimes its nothing more than a log book and sometimes its an ammo box filled with Treasure. If you take something, you leave something, its the rule.

It reeks of adventure and if there is one thing JimmyEW and I like, it's adventure. We also like photography and what a great way to find a new destination to shoot, while working to together to uncover treasure (if you call treasure lip gloss, nail polish, lighters, stickers and whatever else people throw in there treasure).

The best thing about Geocaching is that it refers to non-cachers as "Muggles" so you get an actual reason to be a non-Muggle and to refer as other people as Muggles. As in, "There were too many Muggles around for JimmyEW and I to find the cache in Lay Park." You must beware of Muggles, if they see you find the cache they may go back and loot it. Darned Muggles.

Like a lot of things, Geocaching was just an idea that I thought we'd get to one day, but then my totally awesome church challenged everyone to take a loan of $25 and see what we could make of it to bring back.

After much thinking, JimmyEW and I decided to make a Geocachers Calendar for our general area, taking pictures of 12 already cached locations and only putting the Waypoint names on the first day of that month so if someone wants to go there, they have to log into http://www.geocachers.com/ for the coordinates to find out where it is. From there they could just go and enjoy or they could get adventurous, by a devise and go on a hunt!

We only have 6 weeks to finish this gig, so we bought a GPS lickedy split and started doing some research. Then on Friday JimmyEW and I went on a cache hunt that took us through three counties, down two or three perilous seasonal roads in our Chevy Aveo (ack! Off roading in an Aveo is scary!), and snooping around an old ancient 1866 Graveyard.

It took the entire day and we didn't find every cache but we had fun. We found some of the harder ones, but some of the easy ones we didn't find and are suspicious the Muggles got to them. But it didn't matter. What mattered was that we were joined in a great adventure together.

And that is what brings me to my real point. Yes, I have one. I just want you to think about what you do with your partner for fun? If your answer was as pathetic as ours, you might want to sit down and come up with some good ideas, because if there is one thing I know, if you don't work at it then you lose that connection and become strangers.

You see this a lot with empty nesters and new retirees who are sick to death of the stranger in their house. They've poured themselves into their job or children for so many years that they've lost touch and forgotten about each other. At least that is what I've read in Reader's Digest at the dentist office.

So let me ask you, what are some things you do to have fun with your spouse. If you're single, sorry this post didn't really apply, maybe just take notes for later.

For pictures of our adventure, scroll down. And for more tips for WFMW, go see Shannon!

JimmyEW and I at our first successful find... of course we just had to go into the visitors center and ask for it. We did take something, we found a Life is Good sticker and traded with a pretty cool lighter. I don't smoke but I thought anyone could find themselves in need of fire one day, and maybe my contribution would help.

This is JimmyEW at a looted site. Nothing there, and logging on later proved that Muggles, in fact, had gotten to this one first.

Below is near the site of the hardest cache we found.

And here are two of my favorite shots. One is while lost in a forest (but are we ever really lost?) near that graveyard. I laid on my back and took a picture looking up at the trees. I love it.

This other is very close to where I live, you have to go down some trails and then you find yourself here. I never knew it was there. Beautiful isn't it?
If you're interested in buying a calendar for $15 let me know, these four pictures are featured. Of course it wouldn't make much sense for you to buy one unless you happen to live in or visit Michigan.... but I happen to know some Michigan Geobloggers out there. ;)

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

Dude.

Tom and Logan were playing football in the backyard when I got home from Mass Sunday night. Tom walked in as I was putting my purse away and said,

"I've been thinking about the suit you're wearing to your interview tomorrow.

Why don't you go with your tailored white blouse and silver jewelry instead?"

Oh. My. Goodness. Exactly when did my husband completely morph into Tim Gunn's bff? It's really starting to freak me out. If you haven't read about my straight guy's queer eye, check out these posts.

He's actually been spot-on with his fashion advice. This, from the man who still has his 1980's Izods and Members Only jacket. Not that I let him wear that jacket. Or those shirts. But still.

The really cool thing is that Tom looked in my closet and realized that when I say I have nothing to wear, it is the sad, sorry truth. This is due in large part to the fact that I bagged up every item that I hate, never wear or is too big or too small. They are now at Goodwill. And my closet? She is bare.

I'm going shopping next week with Tom's blessing and some cold, hard cash. So that worked out pretty well for me.

You know what else worked out for me? Using my trusty glue gun to hem my pants for my interview. I told Sister Big that if our mother was dead she would turn over in her grave if she saw me doing such a thing. I guess I was wrong though, because I confessed and my mom just laughed and asked why I didn't use seamstress tape instead. I didn't know there was such a thing.

And the interview Monday? Was phenomenal. Thank you for you prayers and thoughts. I will know more next week. This week? It's gonna be a long one. (And the question marks in this post? They are abundant.)

For more WFMW tips, go see Shannon.
What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

I Was A Pregnant Bride. (And I Wore White.)

Sister Big just sent me a text message. She's at the airport getting ready to fly home from a business conference and told me I need to blog about customer service. I'm guessing things aren't going so smoothly at the security check.

I will blog about customer service, because that's the kind of person I am. I do what is requested of me. And I am a big believer in the fact that customer service basically sucks these days. But I'm not going to write about that today.

Today we're going to talk about my wedding anniversary. Which is this Sunday. It's NOT Saturday as I have been telling people for the last couple of weeks. I was certain that it was Saturday and planned my week accordingly.

My darling husband took great delight in correcting me after hearing me give the wrong date to several people. That's the kind of guy he is. He loves to catch me being wrong. Probably because it doesn't happen very often. But it is the beauty of our relationship. A little bit of competition, some sarcasm and lots of love and laughter. We are not hearts and flowers at our house.

We also did not have the traditional courtship. We met on match.com. I was skittish. He was persistent and funny and cute. We fell in love, got engaged and I began planning the wedding of my dreams. I was 34 and I was going to do it up right.

Then. THEN. I made the mistake that usually happens to teenagers: I done got knocked up.

Tom and I were thrilled about the pregnancy though. (Well, after the shock wore off.) My doctors always told me I would never be able to have children, so the baby in my belly was a little miracle. I was thrilled to have him there, but he was not going to interrupt my Princess Wedding. Oh no sirreee. I'd been waiting a long time.

We moved our wedding date from June to April 13. I was five months pregnant when I walked down the aisle. I wore the same beautiful white gown I originally selected (only a little bit bigger now). And we celebrated HARD.

We have had quite the adventure over the last six years. Tom's a wonderful husband. A loving dad. And a fab sparring partner. He has crazy-monkey arms that can reach things for me. He makes me laugh every day. And I still dig him.

Happy Anniversary Tommy. I expect to be opening something shiny and bright Saturday night. And I'm sleeping in Sunday morning.



What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

As I Gaze Into Mah Lovah's Eyes...

Sassy's mushy-gushy post yesterday got me to thinking. Tom and I don't gaze into each other's eyes very often. Well, unless I need him to help me fish out my contact lens. But I don't think that counts.

I am pretty certain that if we sat down with the intention of gazing into each others eyes it would result in a competition to see who could make the other person crack first. There would be nothing romantic about it. A contest of wills and the victor would rejoice in a highly obnoxious way. 'Cuz that's how we roll.

Case in point. Tom gets annoyed when I forget to turn the heat down before I leave for work. It's a simple thing, but I tend to forget a couple times a week. Or more. Whatever.

He'll call me while I'm driving to the office and act like it's just to chat with me. But I know better. He always ends our conversation asking whether or not I turned down the heat. (Which can really drive a girl nuts.) (And cause the girl to dread her husband's name popping up on caller ID when she has forgotten to do something.)

In a sicko kind of way I think Tom likes it when I forget. Because then he can lord it over me. You know, in a "Jeez, it's hard to always be right" oh-so-charming way.

This morning we engaged in this series of emails:

Me: Aunt Joanie thinks we need to get a WII. She and Logan had so much fun together last night.

Him: Sure. Did you turn the heat down? (Do you see how he's a big fat point-misser?)

Me: What?

Him: DID YOU TURN THE HEAT DOWN?

Me: I'm sorry. What are you trying to ask me?

Him: I guess that means no.

Me: {delete}

That's right sugar. You stew on that all day long. I ain't blinking first.



What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

Staying Connected

If you were me last night, this is what you got to look at. Let me tell you how I came to find myself determined to stare into these beautiful eyes a couple of nights a week.

My husband and I haven't been the most connected couple through our marriage. Many of you know that there was a big dark secret that I held on to most of my marriage that kept us from being connected. However, now that we are happy and in love we find it very important to work at staying connected.

It is so easy for couples to lose sight of each other in the midst of the chaos of the rat race. Working, children, family, friends and of course the most important, TV. These things suck the time out of your marriage, however many of them are things you can't neglect, except for the kids of course. Just kidding.

I feel this missing connection often during his long weekends when I barely seem him. By the time the weekend is over we're both feeling distant and tired. Him from working constantly, me from being a single parent. A few weekends ago I started worrying that something was wrong with us, maybe something was wrong with me. Why was I feeling depressed and disconnected from him. Maybe I'd never be happy, maybe I was wrong about my love, maybe I was kidding myself. I could tell he was picking up on these feelings, he kept coming and touching me and looking at me when we had brief moments together.

By the end of his last working weekend we sent the boys off to bed and then I simply sat down on his lap and gazed into his eyes. And suddenly all the yuckiness melted away and I proclaimed how much I missed him. That sitting and gazing was so important. I read that looking into someone's eyes will illicit feelings of falling in love and deep connectedness, that gazing is a very naked thing to do. It creates a sort of vulnerability, and emotional vulnerability in both partners is important in a strong relationship. At least in my opinion, and since I have a bacholors degree in Family Studies, then of course I'm delusional right.

When was the last time you sat and faced your partner, looking deeply into their eyes and talked about your love, your life, your future?

So JimmyEW and I have started scheduling (yes, I said scheduling) time for us to spend connecting in a deep and soulful way. And no, this does not have to be ESS EE EX. We have picked the days that we will take the time to Soulfully Connect and that will be the first thing we do after the boys go to bed. Sure, it seems to lack spontaneity, but who cares. And, like I said, it's not about doing the deed, although it may lead to that. Its about you and your partner saying to each other that you are going to shut out all of life's distractions, turn off the TV and devote a small slice of time to emotional intimacy.

Now I challenge you to try this and let me know how it goes. I could be wrong about it working for everyone, but I can tell you, it works for me.

and now for more works for me Wednesday tips go here.

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

He's Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Well, not really on a jet plane. But in a red Subaru. My 5 year old son is spending spring break downstate with his grandma. He made the plans himself. He figured if he couldn't go to Disney, anywhere was better than here. Because, apparently, we bore him.

So my husband and I are going to sit back, relax and have date night every night while he's gone. But I am sure going to miss him. He's my love-bug.
What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

Look What I Did!

Yep! we got tattoos!

Last week Wednesday was Blessing Day. What is Blessing Day? Well, its the day formally known as the Hill-iversary, the day six months and one week ago, when JimmyEW and I decided to stay married. Read about that here. So on our six month anniversary of us both being in love with each other, we got the same tattoo in the same location. Romantic, isn't it? The tattoo is of a tree, which we both have always sort of held as our family symbol, a moon and sun and the word Ezer K'negdo.

Here I am in the process of paying a man to cut open my back! ACK!! The black ink was horrible. I didn't think there was any way I could go through the whole thing. I sat there, holding the chair tightly while JimmyEW ran to the ATM, and thought about what this mark meant and the pain became more bearable. Plus as soon as the black was finished it got SO much better. Even if it did take about an hour to do.

Not only did we get tattoos, but... drum roll someone. I GOT MY NIKON D40!! If you want proof, here is a nicely shot image NOT taken with my camera phone. Watch out Flickr, here I come! Please ignore the piece of dust in the sky, I've got to find that bugger. But I love my camera and couldn't be happier. I know some people will be like "you only got a 6.1 mega pixel camera??!!" but come on. I work with photography daily and I know, unless you are doing very large print work, that you won't need more than a 6.1 meg camera.

The other big surprise to Blessing Day was what JimmyEW did to prove a bit of a point to me. In church we had to write how we were a blessing and I had a hard time coming up with something. Jim says I'm a blessing to him but I have a hard time swallowing that.

So he surprised me with a stack of letters that were hand written by him but from all of my friends and family and people I haven't talked to in years about how I was a blessing to them. It totally made me cry. And there was one from a friend that I haven't been in touch with for years, someone I was afraid I'd failed. Her response let me know that she knew I really did love her and helped clear out one of those stupid skeletons in my closet.

Some of the responses were very unexpected and heartwarming and some made me laugh hard. Like my nephew Jeff who said, "Sassy was, and is, a blessing to me when she calls me Ffej, which always brings me a smile." As much as I want to share so much of what people said, I want to respect their privacy and don't want to cheapen their kind words by broadcasting it on the net without their permission. And I'm too lazy and tired to seek their permission. And Ffej, sorry for not asking your permission, ;). But what an amazing gift, amazing affirmation, and an amazing man I have. Not to mention amazing friends and family! Wow! I am one lucky girl.

What is the nicest thing someone has done for you? Have you done something nice for someone lately? I think its time for me to pay it forward. HB, you want me to babysit Bologna over night in a few weekends from now?

For more WFMW tips, go here.


What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

What Would You Do If You Weren't Afraid?

The Hotfessional posed a similar question last week: What would you do if you knew you WOULD NOT fail? That got me to thinking about Sassy pestering me back in my single days about what I would do if I wasn't afraid.

I had become a bit of a magnet for men who were in love with themselves. Which is always buckets of fun for the girls they date. (Insert big fat eye roll here)

I wanted a nice guy. I even made a list of qualities he needed to possess. (I still have that list and whip it out when I'm annoyed with my husband. I use it to remind myself why I chose him.) I was looking for someone who would treat me with love and respect. Make me laugh. Who was smart, loved his family and had good friends.

(If you are single, hear me now: If you're dating a guy who doesn't have friends, there's a reason girls. Run away fast. OK?)

After listening to me moan and groan for the one-thousand-and-tenth time about how I would die alone and lonely having never been married, Sassy debated between smacking me upside the head or making me take a hard look at myself. She asked me what I would do if I was NOT afraid. It was a great question.

I would put myself out there. I would be creative about meeting worthy men. Clearly, I would post my profile on match.com. And that's what I did and I met Tom, got married, had a baby, and we're living happily ever after. But it was very scary for me to trust my instinct. I was afraid of getting hurt again.

I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. What would I do in every area of my life if I wasn't afraid?

I would stick my neck out and make more friends and not be afraid that they would think I wasn't funny enough, cool enough or skinny enough.

I would ski with Tom and Logan and not worry about falling on my butt or getting cold. Or feeling like the fat girl on the slope.

I would go boating with Tom's friends and wear my swimsuit. I would swim and ski and tube instead of covering up or hiding behind my kid. I would enjoying the full experience.

I would climb a mountain.

I would exercise regularly and HARD and not freak out when my heart starts to race. It is normal and does NOT mean I'm going to have a heart attack and leave my kid an orphan.

I would wait for the right job to come along instead of taking the first one offered just to get off this broken down, rickety old scary bus.

I would start a social/professional networking group for Christian working moms and not wonder what my agnostic/atheist friends and stay-at-home-mom friends think of me.

I would entertain more, volunteer more and give more.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

You can post anonymously if you wish, but I would love for you to share with us.

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

My Straight Guy's Queer Eye

A couple years ago I thought it would be fun to grow my hair out. I have always had very short hair and while my husband seemed to dig me, I knew he wanted it longer. Because I am such a loving wife (and was kind of bored with it myself) I spent two. long. years. growing it out.

Instead of making me feel all feminine and pretty, my curly, long hair made me feel like a big old frumpity-dump. I didn't feel like myself. Plus, I hated nothing more than finding long hairs all over the house, in my purse, my car, on my clothes. And the grossness that was my bathroom after a blow dry? I won't even talk about that.

When I told my husband I had scheduled a hair appointment, he made one request, which really threw me. Because I don't think anyone has ever really had a say in my hairstyle decisions since I was 10 and I got the Dorthy Hamill 'do. Not to mention the fact that I got married when I was 34, and that just ain't the way I roll. But I "listened" to his suggestions.

Tom asked me to have Ginger cut my hair so that I had "a few whispies" along the side and back. I didn't get what he was trying to explain to me. So the man DREW me a picture. Of how I should cut my hair. I thought it was a cute thing to do and very, very funny.

I arrived at my appointment without the picture but I shared the story with Ginger. When I laughingly told her about the "whispies", she said (and I quote) "Yes! Exactly! I was thinking whispies too!". So apparently Tom should join forces with Tim Gunn and help women everywhere look more beautiful.

And because some people won't shut up about it, here are my before and after pictures.

BEFORE:

And, After!

(Pardon the self-portrait and baggy eyes.)

For more Fight The Frump tips, go see Fussy!
And check out Sassy's Fiction Friday here!








What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

Play Time with Sassy's Psyche

The other day I was thinking about dreams and how they can be used to heal. For instance, after my high school boyfriend Gabriel and I broke up freshman year of college I went into a major downward spiral-depression, self destruction, what have you.

Anyway, I wore this purple sweater that was symbolic of my saddness and I would not take it off. That's really just a point of interest and not at all important to my story...to be honest I probably wasn't showering regularly either. So anyway, my dorm neighbors kept trying to cheer me up but to no avail. I was just broken.

Then one night I had a dream that I was stuck sitting on this shelf in a dark closet. One of my neighbors, Frat Boy, came to me and told me to jump and not to worry because he'd catch me...so I jumped and he did. When I woke up I was so much lighter and- I took off that damn sweater! It was like my dream reminded me metaphorically that I wouldn't fall because I had people around me to catch me. When my darling Jimmy Eat World (who of course was only a friend at that time) saw me without that holey purple sweater on he hugged me and cheered.

More recently I've been having dreams about my psycho ex-boyfriend. This guy was so utterly psycho, but not Charles Manson Psycho. No, he was the Ted Bundy Psycho. The one you didn't see coming until it was too late. He had everyone fooled. This guy we'll call "swear-word" and he had a darkness inside him that was frightening to both of us. I think some day HB and I will do a series on our crazy boyfriends and her stalking escapades. But for now I'll leave the morbid details out.

Years after our ugly breakup I harbored a lot of regret about our relationship and a lot of anger at the stuff he put me through. I was mad I'd even dated him when I'd really been ...in like with someone else. So oddly I've been having good dreams about him where we have nice conversations and I feel oddly affectionate toward him (not sexual) and when I wake up I feel like a bit of that old anger is gone. Weird huh?

Dreams are so bizzarr and beautiful and I tend to have very vivid and sometimes terrifying dreams. They have come to help heal me but they have also been used to torment me at times throughout my life. Truly, I'm not being dramatic although my sisters will probably say it is in my nature. But since I can remember I've been plagued by awful reoccuring nightmares (I suspect their origin is from our little Cult we grew up in).

For instance last night I had my usual demon fighting dream only this time they were attacking my JimmyEW. His eyes were turning black and I had to constantly pray and say my magic phrase I've been saying since I was a kid to keep the demons out of him. I'd personally like to thank WCG for my reoccuring nightmares.

Later that dream I magically found myself in Canada and I was going to University there. Because I didn't have a passport when I crossed the border they wouldn't let me rent a car so I took a bus to the little town where the school was. When I got to town things weren't right. Something was ominous and just wrong and I wanted to scadaddle. Then when I got to my dorm I noticed everyone was gone except three other students and something was off with them too. So I spent my entire dream trying to find a way to get out of that town. I was almost able to get a car that was parked outside a little drive in diner but mysteriously the whole place including the car was set on fire.

I woke up feeling yucky and scared and made JimmyEW cuddle me. Those nights where I spend the whole time fighting are the worst and most exhausting. When I went back to sleep the nightmares continued somewhat but weren't as scary for me. Nightmares are just a part of my life I guess.

But worse than the nightmares was the fact that I was plagued through most of my marriage by dreams of my beloved High School boyfriend Gabriel. He'd come to me confessing his love and I'd want so desparatly to go with him but would see Jimmy Eat World and know that I could never hurt him. I'd wake from those dreams feeling as if I'd been attacked in the middle of the night and went through the rest of the day in a nasty funk. They made no sense because it wasn't like I was thinking about him at all, they would just strike out of nowhere! I'd tell Sister HB about them and she'd helpfully yell at me and tell me to stop it. Thanks HB... but I have been freed of that particular dream thanks to a little love story I call "My Marriage Meltdown". You can read about that on my Valentines Day post.

And this one time, at band camp- no seriously. But one of the strangest dream moments I ever had happend one night about 4 years ago. While I was 5 months pregnant with Kiki Jimmy Eat World and I drove through this crazy blizzard to Van Wert OH. for a friend's wedding.

We arrived at the hotel in the middle of the night. The place was totally deserted, we saw no one aside from the night clerk. We checked in put on our jammies and fell fast asleep. That night I had a dream that Jimmy Eat World was holding our hotel room door open while this elderly couple stared through the door at my naked pregnant body. I was pretty mad about that. But what is insane is THAT SAME NIGHT Jimmy Eat World had a dream that this old man and woman were watching us have sex through our hotel room peep hole! ISN'T THAT FREAKING CRAZY!! That really should have been a clue to me that there was more to JimmyEW and I than I understood.

So really, what is in a dream? Have you had dreams that have come true? I have. So what are they? Is it our tired mind just firing randomly, hidden message from our psyche or even God? Who knows, all I know is I have weird ass dreams. What about you?

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

My Marriage Meltdown: Discovering My Soulmate 10 Years After I Married Him

Today is Valentines Day and although I think it is mostly nothing more than a commerical holiday I'm going to use it as an excuse to tell you a strange an unexpected love story.

Once upon a time I met the love of my life and his name was Gabriel. Gabriel was beautiful and I loved him desperately and wholly but one day he stopped loving me and I was left broken hearted and alone. While in this broken state I dated crazy dark freak after crazy dark freak but during that time I also found my best-friend and that was JimmyEatWorld (JimmyEW).

After dating too many scary freaks I gave up on dating and told JimmyEW, who I loved very much in that philia way, that I was just going to marry him. I was kidding when I said that to him however one night something compelled me to kiss him. Something that made no sense and I always attributed to God giving me a little nudge…It was that midnight kiss that opened a door and I decided not to shut it. A few months later he asked me to marry him for real and I said “sure, maybe in a few years”. I knew he was what I wanted in a husband and partner. He was good, kind, honest and true.

Now we were married, I was a “wife” and I was a wife who was living a lie because my husband thought I loved him. And although I did love him very much, not in the way I should have. Never in the way he deserved.

At night I would dream of my love for Gabriel and wake feeling guilty as if I were betraying my husband nightly. These dreams plagued me but I shoved my feelings down trying to hide them from myself and from JimmyEW. At night I would pray to God that he free me from Gabriel but it never worked, he was always there in my heart tormenting me. And because he was there JimmyEW was never able to enter.

And so we lived our lives. We had some major ups and downs in our life but our relationship always remained pretty constant. I continued to tell myself that the deep love I'd had would eventually come with JimmyEW but it never did. Then it started to crop up, the longing for something more and the dreams, they never stopped. Never. 12 years after he left me Gabriel was still there inside me, afflicting me. And all of these things started spilling out of me, my life lost all joy, I no longer found pleasure in my children and I was vacant. It was like I was living my life through sheer force of will while my spirit was elsewhere.

JimmyEW began to grow troubled by what he was seeing so he read the equivalent of my diary…he hacked my email. And there he discovered that great dark secret that he had never known. He came to me and took me to the beach then confronted me about my feelings. I spent a few seconds trying to figure out if I could deny this or if I should let it all out. I decided to let it all out. I told him everything, the dreams, not loving him and the thing he never knew which was that I had never loved him. This shattered his world. Discovering his life was not what it seemed is not an easy thing to deal with.

JimmyEW had a whole host of things go through him, anger and sadness the main ones. He was so mad I had lied to him for all those years and so hurt that he wasn’t loved. Angry I had had children with him, angry that I had hidden so much from him. He told me he could let me go and he thought he could still be friends with me.

And you know what? I wanted to go, I wanted to be free. I watched him calmly with a stone face taking every insult and every crying question he threw at me, but my arms ached horribly. I had so much adrenaline running through me that my arms wanted to lift a car off a trapped child, but there was no car to lift and no child to save so instead I stared at the green water and wondered if I could jump in and let myself just die. We pulled ourselves together enough to get the kids from daycare and once we put them in bed our emotional conversation continued.

That night he slept on the couch and something about being separated from him in that way freaked me out. I snuck out of bed and laid on the floor at his feet rocking back and forth crying and singing Father Abraham. He let me stay beside him because I was getting a bit loony, he was kind even in his anger and sadness.

The next day we sat together and continued to try to come to some conclusion and that was when Sister HB called me and told me to go see a Therapist she knew (I had texted her the day before to tell her what was going on). JimmyEW didn’t want to go, what was the point but because he had felt a need to seek advice from HB about what was happening and since it was HB suggesting it he decided to listen to her and go see the Sage. We got in that afternoon and there I told the Sage everything. I cried a lot and JimmyEW was calm and collected. The Sage asked what JimmyEW wanted and he said he just wanted to give it a month and then decide, he didn’t want to make any rash decisions.

Then the Sage asked me what I wanted and this is where it all changed for me. Because as much as I wanted to be free to fall in love with a person who I would love desperately I knew that wasn’t the right answer. So I said “in a perfect world I would love my husband” and from my lips to Gods ears because I swear to you in that moment it was like a veil was lifted off my face and I saw my husband for the first time. I am fighting back tears while writing this part, so powerful is this moment to me. But something cleared my vision freeing me and I suddenly truly loved him in the way I always wanted to. JimmyEW did decide to give me a month and we drove back to our home to debrief.

We arrived home on that sunny September day, me very uncertain of my future but very certain that I loved this man like I never had before. He took my hand and I bit my lip hopefully. Then we climbed high up the hill that overlooks the valley our home is in. There in the sunlight, the warmth shining down on us he took me in his arms and told me he was going to choose me. He thought we could work it out.

(the picture to the left is that actual moment of us sitting on the hilltop for your viewing pleasure)

I don’t know how he came to this conclusion because if I hadn’t loved him for 10 years what could work that out? But he says he knew that God was telling him that was the right choice. And although I was afraid to say it, afraid he wouldn’t believe me for all the years I had said it but had never meant it the way I should have, I told him for the first time that I loved him.

And God smiled down on me that day because JimmyEW could see in my eyes it was true, he could feel it was true and we could feel God around us and he knew that there was a path that we were meant to be on together.

We basked there together, tears flowing down our face, crying and laughing at the same time for this sudden discovery of each other. He realized that although he’d always loved me he had never loved me in the way he now did. I texted a quick “everything is ok” to Sister HB (who had to pull over to the side of the road the day before because we were giving her a heart attack) and we got our babies from Daycare.

We are both changed for this experience. He has become a very strong, wonderful man and I find myself continually amazed by him. And he suddenly can eat spicy food too…that is just weird.

Me…well I can tell you I have had one more dream about Gabriel since that Hilltop Moment. But in that dream he was a fat gay man! And I now that I am free of him I can see how that sadness and misplaced love weighed me down my whole marriage. I have such joy in my life now. I get such delight in simple things like watching my oldest child carefully dunking a cookie in a cup of milk.

And together we suddenly are ultra tuned to each other. He seems to sense me and my emotions and I his, even if we are separated by hundreds of miles. The weird unexplainable moments we’ve had can attest to this.

Before we moved along two parallel lines but finally we’ve come together and move along one. We are synchronous, we are connected and we are in love! JimmyEW and I plan to be recommitted this fall, this time with both of us desperately in love with each other. And after our ceremony it is our plan to also be baptized as well since we see Honey Bunch God as having been such an intregral part of us finding each other.

Somehow my destiny is wrapped up in him. Not in that obvious way but something deeper and more profound. All I know is that now I know for sure he is what you’d call “my divine mate” because I truly feel like God intended him to be my husband-he is my God Intended Mate. God, in his every Ezer-ness rescued me in the nick of time and lifted that veil that covered my eyes for so long. It seemed to happen the instant I asked for it. I had the right answer when my Sage asked me what I wanted. I asked and I received and I am so incredibly grateful and blessed for it.

There is still healing to be done. My darling JimmyEW still is over come with sadness at the lie he unknowingly lived for nearly 12 years. But there is also great joy that comes in moments when we see how much happier and full of love we are now.

So I travel this path but not on my own because I have my human Ezer K Negdo and together we will discover life as we were meant to have it. Happy Valentines Day to all. Go find joy in your life and if you don’t have a love at the moment try to take joy in the love around you because it is a beautiful and wonderful thing.

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.

What is Your Weekend Latte Factor?

What did you do this weekend? And more importantly, what was the cost of your weekend?

Tom and I have been striving toward living a more frugal life. I color my own hair, do my own manicures and pedicures. I get my books from the library instead of buying them and owning them and loving them forever. We determine our weekly menu, make the grocery list and then shop for ONLY what is on the list. I have found some amazing deals on beautiful designer clothing at a local resale store.

There are some things that have been difficult to give up, however. My weekly People Magazine is one. I know I can read the gossip online-and I do. But I love holding that glossy magazine in my hands each Friday evening while I sip my wine and relax after a hard week at work.

Another vice I have been working to give up is my daily drive-thru Diet Coke. My husband calls this my latte factor® .

My love affair with diet coke (from a fountain with lots of ice, thank you) costs $1.38 a day-$9.99 per week. You want to die just a little bit more? Over a year's time, that is $502.32! On pop! And yes, there is nothing like the jolt of goodness that courses through my body with the first sip, but is it worth that much of our hard-earned money?

I recently started buying a 2 liter bottle of Diet Coke to keep at home and at my office. It's not the same when I'm jonesing for my DC fix, but I have to do my part to save money so we can achieve our financial goals.

Now my Tom allows himself NO luxuries, no vices save his weekly beer (yes, just one) at the brew pub with his buddy Ron. And he's in the Pub Club so that beer is only a buck. He really is a saint.

What about you? Are your kids involved in sports that have you spending money at the concession stand and then going out for pizza afterwards. Do you go out to dinner and a movie every weekend because it IS the weekend? How much is that costing you?

Are you a bored spender? You have nothing to do so you stop off at Target just to walk around and get out of the house? And then you see some cute notecards you have been needing.

Then there is an adorable pair of shoes on clearance for only $5.74. And you can't turn down adorable or clearance. Or $5.74 for that matter.

That would be crazy.

And on the way to the check out, look what else you see. This sweet wrap that would be perfect when you're a bit chilly at the office, but don't want to throw on your old cardigan. It's only $4.99 so it would practically be a sin if you didn't get it.

And then you see this fabulousness. It's a natural pine cone tree that would look per-fect in my home. And it's only $7.49. And what if I never see anything like it again?

So, where are we now?

Note Cards $5.00
Adorable Shoes $5.74
Cute Wrap $4.99
Pine Decor $7.49

Grand total for crap you don't really need: $23.22.

Not a huge amount, but what if you do this a couple times a month? That's over $600.00 per year of unnecessary stuff you're bringing into your home.

And it's not just the Target/Wal Mart/Meijer shoppers either. I have witnessed people walking into my local dollar store with the intention of buying some cheap cleaning products or something and LOAD up their cart with all kinds of other one-dollar items. That trip for $1.00 bathroom cleaner turns into $20.00 of well, crap. Every Saturday.

Think about it this way. That is money that could go toward your family vacation, paying off your car early, buying new clothes for summer for your family, or whatever you have been wanting but can't find the resources for.

I have been following this site and this one as well and am inspired (and a little obsessed) to not accumulate more anything. To only spend when it is necessary. It will not only be a good thing for our community, our world, but for my marriage. 'Cuz there is nothing that makes Tommy happier than a little extra money in his pocket. It'll make him slop sugar all over me. Of that, I am sure .

What needless spending do you participate in every week? What can you give up? I am really curious to hear your thoughts on this topic. Now I'm going to go to the fridge and pour myself a glass of pop. And save a $1.38.


Sister Honey Bunch's Family Lenten Devotional
GOD TAKES AWAY YOUR WORRIES!


Psalm 55:22
Cast your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you; He will never allow the [consistently] righteous to be moved -made to slip, fall, or fail.



What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.