The other day I was thinking about dreams and how they can be used to heal. For instance, after my high school boyfriend Gabriel and I broke up freshman year of college I went into a major downward spiral-depression, self destruction, what have you.
Anyway, I wore this purple sweater that was symbolic of my saddness and I would not take it off. That's really just a point of interest and not at all important to my story...to be honest I probably wasn't showering regularly either. So anyway, my dorm neighbors kept trying to cheer me up but to no avail. I was just broken.
Then one night I had a dream that I was stuck sitting on this shelf in a dark closet. One of my neighbors, Frat Boy, came to me and told me to jump and not to worry because he'd catch me...so I jumped and he did. When I woke up I was so much lighter and- I took off that damn sweater! It was like my dream reminded me metaphorically that I wouldn't fall because I had people around me to catch me. When my darling Jimmy Eat World (who of course was only a friend at that time) saw me without that holey purple sweater on he hugged me and cheered.
More recently I've been having dreams about my psycho ex-boyfriend. This guy was so utterly psycho, but not Charles Manson Psycho. No, he was the Ted Bundy Psycho. The one you didn't see coming until it was too late. He had everyone fooled. This guy we'll call "swear-word" and he had a darkness inside him that was frightening to both of us. I think some day HB and I will do a series on our crazy boyfriends and her stalking escapades. But for now I'll leave the morbid details out.
Years after our ugly breakup I harbored a lot of regret about our relationship and a lot of anger at the stuff he put me through. I was mad I'd even dated him when I'd really been ...in like with someone else. So oddly I've been having good dreams about him where we have nice conversations and I feel oddly affectionate toward him (not sexual) and when I wake up I feel like a bit of that old anger is gone. Weird huh?
Dreams are so bizzarr and beautiful and I tend to have very vivid and sometimes terrifying dreams. They have come to help heal me but they have also been used to torment me at times throughout my life. Truly, I'm not being dramatic although my sisters will probably say it is in my nature. But since I can remember I've been plagued by awful reoccuring nightmares (I suspect their origin is from our little Cult we grew up in).
For instance last night I had my usual demon fighting dream only this time they were attacking my JimmyEW. His eyes were turning black and I had to constantly pray and say my magic phrase I've been saying since I was a kid to keep the demons out of him. I'd personally like to thank WCG for my reoccuring nightmares.
Later that dream I magically found myself in Canada and I was going to University there. Because I didn't have a passport when I crossed the border they wouldn't let me rent a car so I took a bus to the little town where the school was. When I got to town things weren't right. Something was ominous and just wrong and I wanted to scadaddle. Then when I got to my dorm I noticed everyone was gone except three other students and something was off with them too. So I spent my entire dream trying to find a way to get out of that town. I was almost able to get a car that was parked outside a little drive in diner but mysteriously the whole place including the car was set on fire.
I woke up feeling yucky and scared and made JimmyEW cuddle me. Those nights where I spend the whole time fighting are the worst and most exhausting. When I went back to sleep the nightmares continued somewhat but weren't as scary for me. Nightmares are just a part of my life I guess.
But worse than the nightmares was the fact that I was plagued through most of my marriage by dreams of my beloved High School boyfriend Gabriel. He'd come to me confessing his love and I'd want so desparatly to go with him but would see Jimmy Eat World and know that I could never hurt him. I'd wake from those dreams feeling as if I'd been attacked in the middle of the night and went through the rest of the day in a nasty funk. They made no sense because it wasn't like I was thinking about him at all, they would just strike out of nowhere! I'd tell Sister HB about them and she'd helpfully yell at me and tell me to stop it. Thanks HB... but I have been freed of that particular dream thanks to a little love story I call "My Marriage Meltdown". You can read about that on my Valentines Day post.
And this one time, at band camp- no seriously. But one of the strangest dream moments I ever had happend one night about 4 years ago. While I was 5 months pregnant with Kiki Jimmy Eat World and I drove through this crazy blizzard to Van Wert OH. for a friend's wedding.
We arrived at the hotel in the middle of the night. The place was totally deserted, we saw no one aside from the night clerk. We checked in put on our jammies and fell fast asleep. That night I had a dream that Jimmy Eat World was holding our hotel room door open while this elderly couple stared through the door at my naked pregnant body. I was pretty mad about that. But what is insane is THAT SAME NIGHT Jimmy Eat World had a dream that this old man and woman were watching us have sex through our hotel room peep hole! ISN'T THAT FREAKING CRAZY!! That really should have been a clue to me that there was more to JimmyEW and I than I understood.
So really, what is in a dream? Have you had dreams that have come true? I have. So what are they? Is it our tired mind just firing randomly, hidden message from our psyche or even God? Who knows, all I know is I have weird ass dreams. What about you?
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