Monday, February 18, 2008

Play Time with Sassy's Psyche

The other day I was thinking about dreams and how they can be used to heal. For instance, after my high school boyfriend Gabriel and I broke up freshman year of college I went into a major downward spiral-depression, self destruction, what have you.

Anyway, I wore this purple sweater that was symbolic of my saddness and I would not take it off. That's really just a point of interest and not at all important to my be honest I probably wasn't showering regularly either. So anyway, my dorm neighbors kept trying to cheer me up but to no avail. I was just broken.

Then one night I had a dream that I was stuck sitting on this shelf in a dark closet. One of my neighbors, Frat Boy, came to me and told me to jump and not to worry because he'd catch I jumped and he did. When I woke up I was so much lighter and- I took off that damn sweater! It was like my dream reminded me metaphorically that I wouldn't fall because I had people around me to catch me. When my darling Jimmy Eat World (who of course was only a friend at that time) saw me without that holey purple sweater on he hugged me and cheered.

More recently I've been having dreams about my psycho ex-boyfriend. This guy was so utterly psycho, but not Charles Manson Psycho. No, he was the Ted Bundy Psycho. The one you didn't see coming until it was too late. He had everyone fooled. This guy we'll call "swear-word" and he had a darkness inside him that was frightening to both of us. I think some day HB and I will do a series on our crazy boyfriends and her stalking escapades. But for now I'll leave the morbid details out.

Years after our ugly breakup I harbored a lot of regret about our relationship and a lot of anger at the stuff he put me through. I was mad I'd even dated him when I'd really been like with someone else. So oddly I've been having good dreams about him where we have nice conversations and I feel oddly affectionate toward him (not sexual) and when I wake up I feel like a bit of that old anger is gone. Weird huh?

Dreams are so bizzarr and beautiful and I tend to have very vivid and sometimes terrifying dreams. They have come to help heal me but they have also been used to torment me at times throughout my life. Truly, I'm not being dramatic although my sisters will probably say it is in my nature. But since I can remember I've been plagued by awful reoccuring nightmares (I suspect their origin is from our little Cult we grew up in).

For instance last night I had my usual demon fighting dream only this time they were attacking my JimmyEW. His eyes were turning black and I had to constantly pray and say my magic phrase I've been saying since I was a kid to keep the demons out of him. I'd personally like to thank WCG for my reoccuring nightmares.

Later that dream I magically found myself in Canada and I was going to University there. Because I didn't have a passport when I crossed the border they wouldn't let me rent a car so I took a bus to the little town where the school was. When I got to town things weren't right. Something was ominous and just wrong and I wanted to scadaddle. Then when I got to my dorm I noticed everyone was gone except three other students and something was off with them too. So I spent my entire dream trying to find a way to get out of that town. I was almost able to get a car that was parked outside a little drive in diner but mysteriously the whole place including the car was set on fire.

I woke up feeling yucky and scared and made JimmyEW cuddle me. Those nights where I spend the whole time fighting are the worst and most exhausting. When I went back to sleep the nightmares continued somewhat but weren't as scary for me. Nightmares are just a part of my life I guess.

But worse than the nightmares was the fact that I was plagued through most of my marriage by dreams of my beloved High School boyfriend Gabriel. He'd come to me confessing his love and I'd want so desparatly to go with him but would see Jimmy Eat World and know that I could never hurt him. I'd wake from those dreams feeling as if I'd been attacked in the middle of the night and went through the rest of the day in a nasty funk. They made no sense because it wasn't like I was thinking about him at all, they would just strike out of nowhere! I'd tell Sister HB about them and she'd helpfully yell at me and tell me to stop it. Thanks HB... but I have been freed of that particular dream thanks to a little love story I call "My Marriage Meltdown". You can read about that on my Valentines Day post.

And this one time, at band camp- no seriously. But one of the strangest dream moments I ever had happend one night about 4 years ago. While I was 5 months pregnant with Kiki Jimmy Eat World and I drove through this crazy blizzard to Van Wert OH. for a friend's wedding.

We arrived at the hotel in the middle of the night. The place was totally deserted, we saw no one aside from the night clerk. We checked in put on our jammies and fell fast asleep. That night I had a dream that Jimmy Eat World was holding our hotel room door open while this elderly couple stared through the door at my naked pregnant body. I was pretty mad about that. But what is insane is THAT SAME NIGHT Jimmy Eat World had a dream that this old man and woman were watching us have sex through our hotel room peep hole! ISN'T THAT FREAKING CRAZY!! That really should have been a clue to me that there was more to JimmyEW and I than I understood.

So really, what is in a dream? Have you had dreams that have come true? I have. So what are they? Is it our tired mind just firing randomly, hidden message from our psyche or even God? Who knows, all I know is I have weird ass dreams. What about you?

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saintseester said...

Ah dreams. I have some quite vivid ones, although not as frequently as you seem, too. I always dream that my father is still alive and just forgot to tell me.

Once, I had this "demon" dream. In it, I was in an empty old house, with wood floors. The demon was coming for me, and I had a rosary with me that was keeping it at bay. It was a very "real" dream. The thing that scared me the most was that my sister had the same dream.

janethesane said...

I have lots of awful dreams. Several that are recurring or at least run along a theme. Lots of 'I am running and trying to get away and I can't and I can't scream' kind of dream. I tend to have bad dreams more often when I am stressed IRL or depressed. Most of my truly horrifying dreams I can't remember the details. I wake up feeling scared. It is probably something my mind can't face.

Terrillyn said...

I'm told that we all dream nightly but I almost never remember my dreams or even remember dreaming. On the rare occasions that I remember a dream, it fades within a few minutes and is gone.

Sister Honey Bunch said...

When I am worried about something I dream that I have snakes in my bed. Terrifying. It used to happen all the time before I moved up North.

Then they stopped.

Terrillyn said...
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Terrillyn said...
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Ashlee said...

I had a dream last night that I was attacked by a swarm of bees at my little sisters house. In my dream I was allergic to bees, but I'm not in real life. And I was holding her new baby. I covered us up in a blanket hoping the bees would pass by us, but I got stung anyway. Baby was ok.
Have no idea what that means. I think that when we have deja-vu that it's because we already had a dream about it. Like we were getting a glimpse into our future or something.
Or maybe I'm just wierd.

Sister Sassy said...

Hey its good to know I'm not the only creepy dreamer.

Terrillyn: they say if you keep a journal beside your bed you can jot down notes which will help you remember

Ashlee: I've had the same thought, you're not weird.

Saint: wow, I'm not the only one fighting Demons, thats great!

Jane: I've read studies about rehersing your reoccuring nightmares so you can sort of control them. Not like lucid dreaming but more like fixing the story of how you want it to go in your head.

I also have the same dream where I can't get lights to come on in a house and I'm terrified. I go around trying all the switches and nothing. Yuck.

amanda said...

I have the strangest dreams. They're all so realistic. It's frightening.

Wade Huntsinger said...

Stop it your scaring me

Seriously, i am some kind of dreamer. Being a Fireman I have seen some gruesome stuff. Those dream of small kids use to haunt me, but mostly I have this dream of living a long time ago and of course I am a cowboy. A man born in the wrong century. Of course there's the dream of me and TC on the beach but I won't comment on that one!!!

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

I just know that in many of the world's cultures, dreams are seen as doors to the spirit world and to guidance from ancestors, God, spirit guides, etc.

I've always tried to understand my dreams, if they weren't completely obvious (and if I hadn't eaten pepperoni pizza that night).

I know in some cultures, the bit with the old couple would indicate that the particular room you were in was haunted by the couple.

Okay, so now you're going to think I'm crazy. ;-)

Sister Sassy said...

Wade, you crack me up. Your dreams sound fun. Sometimes I dream about being amongst native american elders-

Jen... that totally freaks me out! It was a relatively new chain hotel...I wonder. Would they have had to die there?


Jen said...

I've definitely had dreams come true, but metaphorically. Like I once dreamed that my grandfather went away for a long vacation; he died the next week. I dreamed that my then-boyfriend and I made a cake together; we moved in together not long afterwards. I know I find a lot of meaning just because I'm looking for it, but I don't care. Dreams make me feel like there's still a little magic left in the world...

Daddy Forever said...

For some reason, I have trouble remembering my dreams. I just can't seem to remember them. But my son doesn't have any problems. Every morning he wakes up and tells me about his dream, which always involve a superhero.

Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

I think dreams are both meaningful and sometimes just randomness, your minds way of dealing with the 100,000 different images, sounds, smells, and whatnot that it processes in a day. When I was a kid, I had a dream about a girl with blond highlights/streaks in the kitchen, can't wait for the rest of that one ;)