My son has begun asking me the question I absolutely positively hate the most: when are we going to have another baby? (Dude. I can't believe I'm getting that question from you now ) The fact that we're not going to have another child is a huge regret in my life. One that I hope will go away soon.
Sassy and I grew up in a very large family. I have seven brothers and sisters, seven sisters and brothers in-law and 16 nieces and nephews. I can't imagine not having each and every single one of them in my life. It makes me sad that Logan will never experience family dinners, vacations, or holidays the way I did. It makes me feel bad that he won't have a buddy growing up and a best friend as an adult who is also his brother or sister. I really hate that.
Here's the thing. I was told by my doctors for years that getting pregnant would be difficult for me. I was beyond shocked when I found out I was indeed pregnant with Logan. When I had him, I was 34 and went through some serious postpartum depression. It took me a long time to work through all of that garbage.
So, now I'm 40. I am emotionally at a place where we could have another baby. We are financially comfortable where adding to our family wouldn't be a struggle. But we just don't think we want to. There are a lot of risks involved for both mother and baby when you reach a certain age. And let's face it. It's a lot of work taking care of a newborn. They kinda cramp your style, if you know what I mean. A baby would mess up my sleep schedule, my romantic life and my social life.
We've got it made right now. It's not a lot of work to go ice skating, to the library or the beach. We no longer have to pack a u-haul to travel downstate. Taking the boat out includes only sunscreen, food and drinks and peeing off the back (Logan, not me.)
While I am torn wishing I could give Logan a brother or sister, I am also a little selfish, I guess. Tom and I don't want to go back to the sleepless nights and tired days. We don't want to change diapers. (Although, walking out of the video store yesterday, Logan did announce "Mom, my butt really itches. I think I have some dried poop in it". In a loud voice. I was very proud.) More importantly, I don't want to risk hurting my marriage because of the postpartum hell I put my husband through the first time.
But am I doing a disservice to my kid? Late Saturday afternoon Logan was plain over me. We had gone ice skating and had a lot of fun. Or so I thought, until he let me know that he would really rather do anything but play Yahtzee Jr. with me. I'm his mom. He's five. He wants a friend to be all rough-and-tumble with and I was beginning to bore him.
So, I called up Sassy and asked if we could pick up Kiki and take him to the play area at the mall with us. When we got there, one of Logan's classmates ran up to the boys and they all took off and played. I loved watching them interact and see the mischievous looks and listening to their laughter.
And that's when it occurred to me. (Because I'm a little slow on the uptake.) I need to be more proactive and actually arrange these kinds of activities. Being a working mom, I have never scheduled a play date. Ever. Frankly, I'm not even sure how they work (Do I pick the kid up? Does the mom hang out with us? Do I take them somewhere or do we just stay home? If Logan goes to their house, does that mean I'm free to go have myself lunch and a Mojito with a girlfriend?) I do know that I cannot be all things to my son. Nor can I fully appreciate the humor of the gross boy-noises he enjoys. I need to find him someone who does. Pronto.
So I wrestle with my occasional annoyance at having to play yet another game of Sorry when I really want to read my book or watch What Not to Wear. I fight my sadness at not being able to give Logan a bigger family. I talk myself out of my guilt that "this" is all he gets.
But I am also happy every day. I love my kid. I dig my husband. We have fun together just the three of us. I acknowledge that he does need more, and I am committed to making that happen. I just don't plan on giving birth in order to do so.
I have completely forgotten about Lent Family Devotional with Sister Honey Bunch. Sorry, ya'll! I have been asked to include discussion tips for around the dinner table. Ummmm...I am so not an expert at this. We kind of wing it, frankly. I will try to add things we will probably chat about at our house but we will probably segue into talking about why Logan thinks Brett Favre should play for the Lions. Hope it helps.
GOD PROVIDES FOR YOU MATT 6:33
"But put God's kingdom first. Do what he wants you to do. Then all of those things will also be given to you."
- Our job is to be kind to others. Not to focus on ourself.
- If there is a classmate who seems sad or off playing alone, go talk to him. Invite him to play with you and your friends.
- Remember a time when someone was nice to you when you were feeling sad? Try to do that for another kid and help cheer him up.
- Focus on being nice to other people, and don't always talk about getting a new football jersey or new Power Ranger or going to McDonald's.
- If I see you doing those nice things, I will be more likely to do nice things for you. Like get the Power Ranger, football jersey, etc.
- God will do the the same kind of thing. Only bigger.
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