Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I Can Actually Hear Myself Getting Fatter.

I have a confession. I ate a cheesecake last night. Not the whole thing, just half of it. It's not that big, but still. I didn't need half. JimmyEW and I decided to get cheese cake as a little celebration of the day we discovered each other. So I guess to celebrate I decided to gain a pound or two. Not that smart, huh?

And I think I'm smart enough and all, but for some reason I make bad decisions regarding food. I know I know, who doesn't? But really, I am tired of being overweight.

Isn't it sad how we women get sucked into all this from the minute we notice our bodies? I always felt fat. Always. I remember being in elementary school and my friend telling me I had legs like chickens... not skinny, but DRUM STICKS! Big and meaty on top and skinny at the bottom. Thanks.

Of course it goes the other way too. Women who weigh way too little.

When I was a freshman in High School I realized by accident a girl was anorexic . I wasn't friends with her so I hadn't paid much attention to her since the year before. Suddenly I looked at her and realized that over the summer she had turned into a skeleton. And sadly the reason I noticed this was because I was going around the room looking for people to distribute my extra pounds too. Sad, huh? (I actually went to our school counselor to tell her my fears about the skinny girl and they ended up doing an intervention.)

I thought because I was only 5 feet tall that I was supposed to weigh 100 lbs because the other short girls in my school were both VERY skinny and really had bodies like 10 year old boys. I had boobs and hips. And as we now know, thighs. But I wasn't fat, I was curvy and I'm pissed now that I didn't appreciate it.

Lately I've been going to blogs like Big Fat Deal and Shapely Prose, about fat acceptance. I love what they stand for. I love what they say, I love them... But I still don't want to be overweight.

They talk about how you can be overweight and still be healthy and that is great. But I'm not healthy. I have high blood pressure, glucose intolerance and possibly high cholesterol chasing after my ass.

I know for me exercise is the key. I've always known that. I have dreams about running, and in my dreams it always feels like I'm flying. Such an exhilarating feeling!

Last spring I started running-or really jogging fast-and I loved it. And you know what? Without dieting my body started to trim up and I began feeling healthy and strong. AND my eating was much better. It made the world of difference. But Christmas came around, as did the candy and I gained back 10 lbs. Since then I have struggled to make my way through our Michigan blizzards to go work out.

What I really need is a treadmill at my house so I don't have to pull my weary body out of bed at 5:30 am and drive to my work to use their facilities. It would make it possible for me to work out every day. Running every day would make a world of difference to me in so many ways.

So as soon as I get a house (which JimmyEW and I are in the process of working through) (thats another rant), I'm getting a treadmill and I'm getting in shape. But until then... I need to stop eating entire cheesecakes!

What is something you've been trying to accomplish and what has held you back? Or what have you accomplished that you worked hard for? Someone, inspire me!


Sister Honey Bunch said...

I've been trying to be a MILF. I lost my focus the last couple of weeks, but today I got up, had breakfast and made a yummy salad for lunch.

Sassy you did great running last year. You will do it again.

Anonymous said...

What if you tied working out to a worthy cause? I am trying to talk my mom into doing the 60 mile 3 day breast cancer walk with me. My friend did it last year and said it was amazing. You have to train for it, obviously, so you have no choice but to work out, or you're going to be up a creek come 60 mile day. There are lots of walks and runs for charities like that. Of course, there's also the raising money side of it, so you'd be working plenty hard at getting that, too, but it is one idea.

My husband wants us to join the Y so that we can go together on the way home from work. I like the idea, but I do worry about us sticking to it. I hate wasting money more than anything. But I would love to get back in shape, and I don't do well with at home working out or outside working out. Running hurts my knees too much, and cold weather just plain hurts.


Ashlee said...

I hate running. I did it in high school to stay in shape {I had super skinny friends then too, not anorexic though...that girl could eat and still be itty bitty} and I hated every moment of it. I ride my bicycle in the summer and it kept me in pretty good shape, but like you said, cold weather comes and the exercising stops. I have started doing Tae Bo Amped in my living room. I'm sore. But it's a fun little work out that kicks my butt...hopefully right off.
So, you want me to inspire you huh? After being out of school for almost 10 years...I have gone back. I want it BAD. So, the hubby and I talked it over and decided that now was as good of time as any to jump into it. I have been feeling so much happier now that I have a direction. When I'm done, I'll be a psychiatrist. For real. If you'd like, I'll shrink your brain for you. But that's the only part of you that I could shrink. :0) And, according to your question...this is something I've wanted to accomplish, but LIFE has held me back. I refuse to let it anymore. :0)
Hope that helped!

Nightvision said...

I decided to become thin and goodlooking permanently after suffering a physical trauma that made me realize there's no time to lose. Well, I did, but pregnancy kind of changed that. Exercise is definitely the key. And drinking proteinshakes and eating vegetables...
I also decided to be braver and show all aspects of my personality instead of always hiding and being "nice". I'm still nice, of course, but in a way that makes me happy.
There's still one thing that's bugging me. My book! I don't dare to send it to publishers anymore because I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm just lazy...
(sorry about the long comment, this just inspired me)

Montay said...

OKay so I don't know what to say here but you can do anything you want to do if you want it bad enough and don't let anything get in your way I have reas some of your stuff and you are one tough cookie and I belive that if anyone can do it you can so go get em Tiger!!!!!

Sister Sassy said...

Leah- just thinking about 6 miles makes me want to cry. But I would love to do something like that when things are less hectic and kids are less needy. Good idea, perhaps Honey and I can train for the 5K they hold this Summer. What do you think Honey? Wanna??

Ashlee- I love that you are going back to school! THat is AWESOME! give me a "hell yeah!"

Nightvision-welcome. I love long comments :) and don't give up on your dream. Also, good for you being braver. I think we women hide ourselves too much.

Montay- I could kiss you on the mouth. Thanks for that. All this really is helping me. THANKS!!!

Meg said...

I understand exactly how you feel! I saw pictures from high school when I was on the swim team and I remember thinking how fat I was when I originally saw them. NOW I look at them and go "Why didn't I appreciate that body when I had it?!?"

You know what I do when I have no other way to workout? Put on some crazy dance tunes and just jump around and move for fifteen to twenty minutes. It's fun and silly and a great stress reliever.

It will be spring soon and you'll be able to run outside. Come on, February's almost over! Yay!

High Hopes said...

Sister Sassy,

I feel your pain. I am a voluptous curvaceous cat. I also love food. Don't beat yourself up over the cheesecake, honey it isn't worth it. We all slip, we all aren't our ideal weights. As moms we are all on the treadmill of life and its hard to find time for exercise - I know some will that is a cop out, nope its not. There are only so many hours in the day.

I have an eliptical trainer downstairs in the basement which is now a glorified clothes hanger. Sigh.

I used to be a runner and would run 5 kilometers every other day and the pounds would melt off.

So here I am today. Maybe you find the prospect of running daunting and maybe subconsciously you just don't want to do it. Its hard on your joints and your body. Find something fun to do. Try belly dancing for instance, I did this, lost weight and it was wonderful for my core strength and most of all it was fun! Get a group of your gf's and do it together.

I also have looked at the way we eat, I've cut out a lot of fried stuff, we steam veggies. Eat more salads and have cut down the portions and you know it has worked. Its little things that make the difference. Most importantly though is look at the beauty you are and not the size!

Emilie said...

I have been at both ends...overweight and dangerously underweight...all because of what I thought "other people" thought I should look like.
Well, now I look like me...that's it, just plain old me.
Make a plan with HB to take the kiddos to the park when it gets warm at least once a week...or go walk the mall. Lots of people do it up there (I have personally almost been run over by a few of them at one time or another)...
You don't need a magic number on a scale, you just need to feel good about you...whatever size that is..
And we are here to help and support you!

Anonymous said...

somewhere there has to be a happy medium where we love our bodies and can eat the food we love (I sound like a commercial) - if I find that happy place - I'll let u know!

Amanda said...

Thanks for your comment! I think you should book a fabulous beach vacation for May or June and that will give you something great to work toward. That helped me get my baby weight off last year. Or, be in a wedding. That's done the trick this year.

Rachel said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everyone indulges now and then and everyone makes emotional decisions about food. The trick is to learn from those incidents and to recognize the behaviors the next time they surface and find a better, more constructive way to deal with them than to turn to food.

And if you want to become healthier, I encourage you to check out the holistic-based health approach known as Health at Every Size. A google search should yield lots of good information.

Christine said...

What great comments! I'm really not here to give you advice, since I'm struggling with my eating habits right now. And I'm losing the battle. I am truly searching for the reasons for my emotional eating but I haven't figured it out yet.

Just don't stop trying...

fishwithoutbicycle said...

The title of this post made me laugh and spit out a little of my grande skim latte. About 25c worth I think. I've so had those days too.

This is a great post. I'm petite and relatively slim - 5ft 1 and approx 112lbs, but I still have a belly that I hate and am always trying to shift, I think women are conditioned to dislike their bodies whatever their shape. Well, okay, maybe not Heidi Klum, but even Cindy Crawford and Rebecca Rominjin (sp?) have said they have days where they feel heavy. I try to be healthy instead of trying to be skinny, but it's tough being a woman, you always have your days of feeling like crap. Good luck with it.

Jen said...

I want to run a marathon. I've tried every year for the past FOUR YEARS. I always make it to about the 16-mile run and then get hurt. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I'm just not cut out for marathons, but I'm not ready to give up yet. With God and Sassy as my witness, I SHALL RUN MY MARATHON! (I accidentally typed marathong, and I almost left it because it was so funny...)

Jen said...

And re the creative writing, that's excellent! I would LOVE to do a creative writing blog (anonymous, natch) with a progressive story. That would be awesome--let's do this! Have I given you my personal email?

thediaperdiaries said...

I don't know, but when you find out the key to not eating whatever you want whenever you want it, clue me in. I used to be one of those 100 pound girls you talked about. In fact I laughed a little cause someone once tried to stage an anorexic intervention for me, but they didn't realize I ate like a horse and just had really high metabolism. I foolishly spent those days wishing I wasn't so skinny. I hate that silly girl I was

Queen B said...

The biggest change for me has been not freaking out after I blow it. And I blow it quite often.

Before, if I had something tasty and bad, then I would just write off the rest of the day. Now, I try just try to do better the next meal. (Or the next hunger pang.) Telling myself no every once in a while makes me really proud of myself.

It really does get easier. And then it gets harder. And then it gets easier. And then...

Sister Sassy said...

Meg, good idea about the tunes. I'll do that with the kids for sure!

Highhopes, I do like running and feel so good about it. Its mostly the time and getting there in the feet and feet of snow. But belly dancing sounds great, I should do it. Anyone ever do the pole dancing?

Amanda, I do have great goals to get in shape for. JimmyEW and I are getting recommitted in Sept and I want to look and feel beautiful because I was heavy for my first wedding with him- and we're going to start trying for number 3 that same month and I want a healthy pregnancy this time. I need to keep that in mind more.

Rachel-heading to health at every size after I make my lagsana. :)

Christine, I know my emotional eating mostly happened when I felt sorry for myself because it was the only thing that was enjoyable. But that doesn't help you. Food is there for every emotion- I just need to start chewing more gum.

Fish, sorry for your spilled latte :) it is hard as a woman. No matter what size we hate ourselves for the most part.

Jen, RUN JEN RUN! My friend Jen did the chicago marathon and had a running partner. But when her partner got injured she decided to have friends stationed throughout the course to run a couple miles with her so she always had someone waiting for her and running beside her. Maybe that would work for you. I'll try emailing btw, SO excited for a new thing.

Diaperdiaries, Don't you wish you'd enjoyed it at the time? If I get a clue I'll post it.

QueenB, you're right. I need not to freak and i need not to decide to throw the whole day out the window. T hanks

High hopes said...


My friend did the pole dancing and she said it was a really good work out, but you have to be careful that you don't let go. Watch out for the bit screen tv when you land.

High Hopes said...

I meant big screen tv.... I'm always in a rush it seems.

Sister Big said...

Sister Red and I are training for the local 5k in April. It's not too late for you to start training and run with us. We're not in it to win or to set any speed records; we just want to finish strong. Start running.

Andrea said...

I so understand this post, and have certainly been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

I have completely quit focusing on food at this point, and am really focusing on exercise, but cause the food thing causes me to spiral terribly, but exercise seems only to be positive.

Since I still have very young kids at home, I have found that Curves works out really well for me. It's fast and efficient, and really reasonably priced, compared to other clubs. And since I live in the land of incessant rain, the whole being outside in the winter does not work out well for me either.

Whatever you choose, be kind to yourself. You are human, and the (very) occasional 1/2 cheesecake won't kill you all by itself.


Wade Huntsinger said...

I love cheesecake. I recently saw some pics of TC and i right I got out of the ARMY. Man, how sad. I was like 9 percent body fat and a good 205 pounds. Of course back then we ran 5 miles a day and did military exercises every day. We are in desperate need to a bad way too. Good luck with that Sassy

Sister Sassy said...

Thanks everyone. Yesterday I walked past a rice crispy treat becaue of all your encouragement and today I ran. I'm supposed to run tomorrow and Saturday to reach my goal for the week and now I think I'll do it for sure.

8% huh Wade? you should post some pics on your blog of you and TC :)

Sister Big-maybe. Lets chat mid march and see how well I'm running.

Andrea- curves does look like it'd work well but I'd still have to get up at 5:30 am or after the kids go to bed... it would be nice if I lived next door to one :) But you are right-I need to stop focusing on food and focus on the exercise. That is what I did last spring and it really worked!

Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

Good job working out this morning, babe! Now your still on the hook for Friday and Saturday, so get to bed early and no more groaning about the cold. It is just as freaking cold at 6:00am as it is at 7:30am, as the sun still doesn't get up yet.
And I think we need to stick to picking three days before the week start that you HAVE to work out on. Good idea, BTW, Brother ;)

High Hopes said...


Sandy C. said...

The treadmill at home would be great for me too. I hate having to feel like I need a gym body to be seen at the gym...And I hate doing the crack of dawn thing too to face the morning rush at the gym.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Try the Walk Away the Pounds DVDs when Michigan winters are blowing us up the wazoo... they work and you can turn down the volume and pump up your own music. I do them every day except Sunday. There are all different levels for the differently fit, lol. I also do a lot of cardio dance DVDs.