Thursday, June 5, 2008

Potty Humor

My dream is to have a job where I have a bathroom of my very own. One that doesn't have anyone else's butt cooties on the seat, where I don't see morsels floating around, where I can go and eliminate in peace.

I work on the third floor of a building...ok, really its the basement, but if you turned it upside-down, it'd be the third floor.. Almost no one else works on this floor, just me and a handful of people. There are only 4 girls on this floor so would could deduce that there would only be 4 females that use the girls bathroom. Not so.

I have a theory that every woman in this building on all floors who has to poop comes to our bathroom. After all, its away from the offices, you have to walk through the workout room to get to it, you can have relative privacy, so I don't blame them. But I'm getting sick of going to relieve myself and finding that there is a haze of someone else's "leftovers" hanging in the air. ALL.THE.TIME.

Its become kind of a game between the girls on my floor. Guessing which person is coming down to destroy the sanctity of our restroom. We always seem to decide its the poor tech guy who works on the third floor, but we don't have proof.

Last week someone left something so terrible that I screamed and ran out with my eyes watering. I'm not kidding. I made my co-worker come back with me so I wouldn't be alone when I flushed it with my foot. Just in case there was something alive in there.

Other odd things happen in our bathroom. The tank top suddenly cracked and was broken, then would move around from sink to toilet to sink upside down holding soap like a dispenser to disappearing all together. Then returning with some glue. The heater in the bathroom (yes there is one, probably because of the shower), is almost ALWAYS on. The ladies down here complain constantly of turning that heater off a gazillion times a day. Yet, each time we go in...its on. Then there was the day I went in to find the shower just randomly on. That was weird.

My favorite part of our bathroom is running out of toilet paper, having to dance the pee dance while begging the guy with the key to get up RIGHT NOW and unlock the TP closet. Guys just don't understand how much tp girls use.

I wonder if there are potty poltergeists. Little angry spirits that run around bathrooms and steal our toilet paper, create stench and put the chair in the shower during times of the year where I feel particularly frazzled. A suggestion, I'm sure.

Actually, I'm pretty sure that one was
my boss, he referenced me hanging myself and I figure he thought he was being helpful. Bastard.

above photo credited to this guy

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Anonymous said...

We talked about this at work yesterday too. I really have a problem with people "masking" the smell by spraying the wonderful lemon room freshener. It just smells like somebody *^&% lemons!

Ashlee said...

Maybe you really do have a ghost. OOoooooo! :0) I hate bathroom funk too. It's so gross. I tend to hold my breath until I leave. Thankfully I have yet to pass out from lack of oxygen. :0)

Suzy said...

Did you know it's illegal to have a noose? I only know b/c I had a friend who would play with string (we're talking kite string) & figured out how to tie one. He had it hanging from his rear view mirror (so it's probably 4-5 inches long), and an officer of the law told him it was a felony to have one when he pulled Mike over for speeding. He let it slide - I guess because there were no small animals in the car to hang....

kspin said...

I'm with you. Public restrooms are my number one pet peeve! Just gross! I used to work somewhere that was all women and I swear some of them were worse than men in terms of messiness and general disgusting-ness! Funny post! :)

Sister Sassy said...

Can I just say EW! I just went in and there is a nasty hairy mess in the shower and I SHOULD NOT have to wash down the toilet seat before using it.

Not to mention the stupid heater was on again!

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

It sounds pretty icky, Sassy. UGH!

Valarie said...

You either have some ghosties going on there, or someone is living in your bathroom. Put a sign up right in front of the potty that says, "we know who you are, if you leave the heater on one more time, there will be a price to pay!" Or a sign that say something like that.

Cristan said...

In my previous office there were 4 of us on the top floor. The bathroom was 1 seater and diagonal from my office. The man directly across the hall from me was OBESE and had IBS. I'd hear the mad dash pounding footsteps of him RUNNING to the potty. ttttttthrum. and then: "Ahhhh".


Thalia's Child said...

Install a camera!!

(also... should I be insulted or flattered that you linked my nasty std post on the ask and you shall receive blog?)

Sister Sassy said...

Thalia, def flattered. Of course I didn't really explain in the comment that oozing vaginas aren't all bad reading :) That post was the most horrifying and enthralling post i've ever read! :)