Monday, January 7, 2008

Crappy Little Gods

I'm guessing you've been hit over the head with resolution posts and such but here's one more whack on your head, and mine too I guess.

One thing I'm seeking in this new year is redemption. This was actually on my resolution list but I was a wuss and didn't include it in this Blog. But now I am. Now I'm not talking about redemption from someone you've committed a wrong against but about forgiveness and redemption of yourself. I don't know about you but I've made mistakes and caused grave damage to people I love. I've done things and made mistakes throughout my whole life and I still beat myself up over them. As stupid as some of them are. Like the stupid tirade I went on during H.S. theater practice because I was angry how the cast was treating someone. I handled it badly and to this day I feel stupid about it. But I was 17!

How common is it for us to hold these stupid little moments inside us and go play with them during moments of sadness and despair? "Come here bad little thought, come dwell in my heart and make me feel stupid, like a failure, ugly, clumsy, what have you". And how many times have you been forgiven by others but not been able to forgive yourself for your own trespasses? I know this is my problem and I think I probably got this from my church of origin. I must be punished punished punished forever. But I've been trying to rethink this thought process. With the help of my Sage and Authors like John Eldridge I'm learning how it is God's greatest desire for us to live our life to the full.

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"

Eternal guilt and self-flagellation cannot co-exist with this, and if we truly believe we are forgiven of our sins once we repent, then who are we to not forgive ourselves? My Sage would say that we are being "crappy little gods" because we act as though we should be perfect and make no mistakes; yet that is impossible because of the nature of us. Only God can be perfect.

The awful tapes we play in our head, He would say that those words and thoughts are from "the thief" and are there to keep us from living up to our full potential. If we hold on to our dirt, our self-loathing and hatred, we give those events power over us and cannot move past them. They become what defines us. So it's time for me to clean house and find redemption somehow. This need for constant penance is so deep seeded that I think this will be a very hard process, but it must be done for me to ever be the person I'm meant to be and to live my life to the full.

For help try reading John Eldridge's book Waking the Dead, he gives such a different perspective on's like washing your brain. :)

You can also download his podcasts for The Sacred Heart through iTunes.


Chrissa said...

What a great post! I have been thinking about this quite a bit over the past few months and have come to the same conclusion. If God can forgive me then why can't I forgive myself? I think I have finally begun to let go of some things, but I don't think it's a switch we can just turn off when we decide to. I think (with me anyway) it will be a process. When I find myself beating myself up about past faults I'll have to say a prayer and let it go.

Thanks for a wonderful post!!

Sister Honey Bunch said...

It's really hard to give yourself a break isn't it? It's easier to forgive someone who has hurt you, than to forgive yourself for hurting someone you love. It sucks.

Ashlee said...

I too do this. I hate the way I feel when these memories pop up. Thanks for the post. Definitely thought provoking. I appreciate it! ;0)

Pretty Beth from TPP said...

You should be Catholic and go to confession and do penance. That was for you Judi.

But in all honesty, for me that is what I need. I like being able to get the stupid things I did off my chest, and the priest tells me God forgives you! What a blessing!! I say an act of contrition, I love that!!! Just say it:

" O my God,
I am heartily sorry for
having offended Thee,
and I detest all my sins,
because I dread the loss of heaven,
and the pains of hell;
but most of all because
they offend Thee, my God,
Who are all good and
deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve,
with the help of Thy grace,
to confess my sins,
to do penance,
and to amend my life.

What relief that brings! What stregth it gives me! I feel like I am back ready to take on the pressures of every day life and the near occasions of sin it will bring whenever I go to confession.
Now, I think that after I've confessed, if I still dwell on the sin, that is the devil at work. He is trying to make me doubt the sacrament of reconcilliation. With prayer, penance, and frequent communion I can overcome that.

Sister Sassy said...

Pretty Beth-
if I still dwell on the sin, that is the devil at work. He is trying to make me doubt the sacrament of reconcilliation.
I agree with that totally!

Thank you everyone for your comments. :)

Rondi said...

I have read that book and others by him. He is pretty good. For redemption look to Christ.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for letting this one out of the bag - I have the SAME issue. Like I said before - you give me hope!

echolily said...

Ahh...the Itty Bitty Shitty Committee that lives inside your head. Sometimes the best thing to do is to tell it to "Shut up!".

saintseester said...

I love your site. I was pointed here by a fellow blogger. Just popping in to say HI. And, I like your non-resolutions you posted.

Anonymous said...

Very nice and very true. I am working on forgiving myself for many things that I regret.

Thanks for the reminder.

Susanne said...

Hi! Thanks for popping by and leaving a comment at my site today.

God must be speaking this to lots of hearts. In my post for Faith Lifts tomorrow, I mentioned to how I beat myself up for goals not accomplished, things I did or said. I mention a scripture that I hang onto with everything I have and tell myself daily. The lovingkindness of the Lord never ceases. His compassions never fail. They are new every morning." Lam 3:22 I cling to this scripture

Linda said...

Hi. I found you through your comment to Susanne. I struggle with the litany of past mistakes that march through my head at the most inconvenient times, like midnight to 6:00 a.m! A book that has helped me alot, although the title doesn't seem applicable in this sense, is Addiction and Grace, by Gerald May. It helps me understand some of the attachments I formed and choices I made--and how big God's grace is.

Jim said...

First, know that I LOVE the quote "opinions are like a**holes, everyone has them, and they all stink"
With that said...
One thing that has helped me to not focus on the past, is to instead to focus on today.
What can I do today to .....(fill in the blank with a goal). Mine is ussually 'what can I do today to love my wife, really love her-as a verb, as an action, as a to-do.

The other thing is that I can never change the past, so need to focus on today. A Sage recently told me to focus on the here and now; the today, and on the eternal; God, the God that loves, and never changes; He will always love us and always be there, period.

Wade Huntsinger said...

I was just surfing and found your site to be interesting. I think I got here via pioneer woman. Anyway, just wanted to add something. Ever watched the movie "A Perfect World". Kevin Costner said about sitting in the car, The windshield is the future, the rear mirroe is the past and the now is sitting right in the car. You can speed up or slow down, whatever you need. I thought that was pretty cool. Intersting site with all the sisters. The post on your Dad moved me most. I live here in SC. Many blessings