"You're mean. Super, SUPER mean!"

And those were the words yelled at me by my five year old son. And he was right. I'm not gonna lie to you. This parenting gig is really, really hard. SUPER hard. And, I'm an older (not necessarily wiser) mom who is just plain tired. Sometimes I lose my cool and don't handle things the way I probably should.

I have struggled with a lot of Mother Guilt since Logan was born. A big portion of it comes from the fact that I suffered from post-partum depression. But guilt is guilt is guilt and you can try to talk yourself into being reasonable about it, but it's still there.

Another chunk of guilt is brought on by the fact that I'm a working mom. And I like to work. It's a big part of who I am and have always been.

I have friends and relatives who like to tell me that they were "willing to sacrifice for their family" and that is why they chose to give up their career. They try to explain to me that my family really doesn't need the money I earn and would benefit from my being home more. I just need "to re-adjust my finances". During these times, I am often trying to tune them out with the old "la-la-la I can't hear you" in my head. But the words and meanings get into my brain and stick there.

My family does need my income. But I also need to work. It makes me a better person. A happier person. A more fulfilled person. Frankly, the times in my parenting life when I was not working, I was a crabby, bored, lazy person. I get more done when I am employed than when I was not. You know the old adage "the more you do, the more you can do".

I hate that there is often the stupid Mommy Wars. Working Mom vs. Stay at Home Mom. Whatever choice your family makes, it will have its own set of benefits and consequences. You don't get to see your kids as much as you would like to. You are unable to volunteer at school because it interferes with your job. Your finances are so tight you are forced to live paycheck to paycheck. In order to make ends meet your husband has to take on extra work and comes home in time to climb into bed and go to sleep. The important thing is that in the name of Sisterhood we support each other and the choices we make. (Can I hear an "amen"?)

My personal goal is to find the right balance. I want to be an excellent mom. I want to be a successful career woman. I want to be a supporting and loving wife. I want to make a difference in my community. I want to be a fun and sensitive aunt/sister/friend/daughter. The trick is realizing that I can't be all these things at the same time. I can't spread myself too thin. I need to make some changes.

I recently stepped down from a leadership role at my church. It was causing me stress because it required too much of my time, which pulled me away from my job and my family. I can still help on the committee, but I will not lead it.

I also accepted a new management position that requires me to only work 36 hours a week. I can be a room mom for a couple hours on Thursday mornings at Logan's school. The rest of the day is for me and Tom (who also has that day off). This gives us some much needed playtime without our boy.

I do my best to make my time with Logan count. I also do my best to recharge my emotional batteries by spending time with my sisters and girlfriends. And by myself.

I do my best not to be a total crab ass to my husband and give him the good stuff too.

It's a daily commitment to strive toward a simple, balanced and fulfilling life. Little by little. Day by day. Chipping away the guilt and resentment and replacing it with love for my family and friends. And hopefully I will never again have to hear how super duper mean I am.