Friday, February 29, 2008

Almost Chili

This is a quick little story about something that happened to JimmyEatWorld and I last October. i hope you find it amusing (and don't worry, fight the frump is here today too).

Jimmy and Sassy pulled up to the beach at dusk, eager to unload and start their adventure. Moving down the trail their way was lit by two far off beams of light. They squinted as a vehicle drew nearer. A van that Montel Williams always warns women about, you know the kind, non descript white, with darkened windows.

"What is he doing here? And why is there a boat on the roof" Sassy asked shivering in the cold dusky night and looking off toward the roughly rocking waves. The driver opened the door and they got their first glimpse; A loaner, with a beard and a hunger burning in his eyes.
"He's probably just coming to watch the sunset" Jimmy said assuredly.
"OH NO..., he wants chili" she spoke as if it made perfect sense... and knowing Jimmy understood the implications in the statement; meaning simply this: THEY were the chili.

"What - chili - no way" Jimmy answered. "First of all, I'm way too dry and stringy for chili and besides chili takes too long for a cannibal. They want their meat faster" he said, more assuring himself than her.

"No Jimmy" Sassy said as if talking to a three year old who was just learning some fact of life everyone knew. "It's always about chili. True, you are skinny but they'd try to fatten you up. Me... they'd probably eat me right away. "

Jimmy glared at Sassy's implied body insult and began wondering 'if he was kept captive and force fed would he eventually get fatter?' Jimmy suddenly realized that they had spent way too much time looking at the potential chili maker and became very uncomfortable. "Do you think he knows that we know that we are going to be made into chili? Should we run now or later?"

The bearded man reached into his van and Sassy gasped expecting to see a bloody hatchet to appear in his hand. However she was pleasantly surprised to see a camera. "See he just wants to take pictures of the beach" Jimmy said sounding relieved.

Sassy pondered this, then, even though she was certain it would cause a bit of panic for Jimmy she whispered "He probably gets off on taking pictures of his victims first. He probably puts them on the menu. He'll get our wallets so he has our names and we'll be forever known as the The Sassys Saturday Night Special. Our fingers floating in the chili..." Sassy shuddered disgusted this guy would put her face in his evening menu.

"Menu... Do you really think cannibals are so organized that them make menus first? So one minute their sawing through my femur and the next they are going into Photoshop and scanning pictures" Jimmy asked this mostly to distract himself.
"Well...actually," Sassy started to respond "I think that while we are stewing.."
"Ok, ok" Jimmy interrupted. "What are our weapons? And stop looking at him, he can't know that we know."

Sassy forced her eyes forward as they walked down the trail and started placing all their things on a flat area not too far from the water. Jimmy fell to his knees and began digging.
"...Jimmy, they're cannibals, they aren't going to burry us" she said refraining from adding 'Duh'.

Jimmy rolled his eyes at her. "This hole is for our fire, you git. Now WEAPONS woman, we need to know our weapons" he whispered fiercely.
"Fire...whatever. Are you trying to make it easier for him to cook us!?" Sassy asked in disbelief. "Oh never mind, we have the umbrella, the cooking fork thing...he could probably use that to poke us to see if we're done" she muttered the last part under her breath. "And I suppose we could swing these logs...that's about it"

"First of all, I'm going to pretend like I can't get the fire started" Jimmy forced through clenched teeth." "You mean like last time?" Sassy responded before Jimmy could even begin his next point. After a short pause "Yes. exactly like last time. We are going to pretend like I can't get the fire started. Actually, just like the time when I pretended to run out of gas behind Magilla's Carpet - as an excuse to make out with you" Jimmy said with a smirk spreading across his lips. He knew Sassy always thought fondly of that time they were snogging as she was taking pity on Jimmy for his big blunder on their first date.

Surprisingly Jimmy got a toasty fire roaring in a manner of minutes. Sassy knew that was mostly from her lessons on fire starting during their last beach outing a few weeks ago. As much as Jimmy wanted to think fire starting began with certain boy parts and certain girl parts in close proximity, it did not.

Sassy plopped down on to the blanket and began impaling hot dogs onto the d
ead tree branches for roasting.
"I doubt they'd cook us in an open fire anyway" she said while sliding another hot dog onto a branch. "they probably have some sort of safe food handling you think at their chili restaurant they post those 'Employees Must Wash Hands' signs?" Sassy chewed on her lip while pondering that for a moment.

"Yeah, right next to the sign that says "no biting fingernails-of the chili" Jimmy said thick with sarcasm. "Ok, so here's the plan." now being much more serious, "First we need to distract him or create a diversion. How about you flash him and while he is stunned I'll get behind him and swing that big log at him"

"Whatever you say baby" Sassy said pulling of her sweater coat, then pulling the wonder woman sweater shirt over her head, then shrugging off her black cardigan, then finally standing there in only her thin olive green shirt.
Goose bumps covered Sassy's arms as she stood in the 30 degree windy night shivering.
"Who's idea was this again?" she asked suspiciously when she realized that Jimmy was staring at her with a trail of spittle hanging from his mouth.

"Ok, you can stop staring Jimmy, that guy isn't interested. So what's Plan B?" Sassy asked as she put the three layers of clothing back on.
"mmmm how about.... Oh, wait, he's going towards the van. Quick, give me the fork, take the keys and as soon as he comes back I want you to run for the car" Jimmy said hurriedly.

"So first I'm bait and now you want me to be the chicken? No way, now give me back the fork" Sassy said with absolute conviction as she pulled it from Jimmy's hands. "Hey...wait he's starting the car. He must need to get the motor going first in order to get all of his chili making equipment running. I bet if we were to cut the wires we could stop him cold" Jimmy said trying to wrestle the key
s away from the giggling Sassy.

"Wires, what wires are you talking about MacGyver? You wouldn't know which ones are which? Remember that time you poured windshield washer fluid-" Sassy said before being interrupted.

"Now the van's moving. But where's he going?" Jimmy asked unsure of this new twist.

Sassy and Jimmy watched in amazement as the white van pulled from its parking spot and
disappeared down the long winding road.

"That's it? Are you kidding me?!" Sassy said incredulously, "He didn't want to eat us? I can't believe he didn't want to eat us! He didn't even try or anything."

"He could have at least tried," Jimmy said looking downcast, "Not that I wanted to be eaten or anything, you think he didn't want me because I'm too skinny?"

"NO! Jimmy, how could you think that? You'd make a wonderful pot of chili! If I were a cannibal I eat you in a second" Sassy said resolutely.
A shy smile spread across Jimmy's lips as he beamed at his love.

"You always know what to say to make me feel better. Now lets eat, all this talk of chili is making me hungry"

Now...that didn't REALLY happen although we did joke about the guy being a potential cannibal that wanted to turn us into chili. But this is just the first installment of Fiction Friday, a GREAT fun idea started by Jane the Sane. Jimmy and I actually both wrote this together, passing it back and forth. We consider it spending "quality time" together and found it a lot of fun! For more Tall Tales visit her blog for a list of the participants.
What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.


Valarie said...

Ok that was to cute! At first I was like hey where's Fight the Frump, but the more I read the more I laughed.

OK now I am off to Fight the Frump.

Anonymous said...

I needed the giggle - thanks!

Ashlee said...

I love that picture of you in the cannibal poster. :0) Awesome. Your story was WAY better than mine! Love it!

janethesane said...

I would totally put JimmyEW in my pot of chili. I loved your story! Thanks for playing along. *smooches*

Jen said...

EXCELLENT!!! I'm still putting the finishing touches on my entry and hope to submit in a few hours. I loved yours--so funny!

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Great fun, but since you guys are up from "Up North," shouldn't have there been cherries in that chili? ;-)

Seriously, though, great story!

Anonymous said...

Is that your husband? He's so cute too! But naturally my husband is cuter. ;-) I'll put a picture of his buttocks on my page someday - because I don't wanna show his face.