Saturday, March 8, 2008

Almost Roadkill

A creative endeavor by JimmyEatWorld and Sister Sassy. Based on yet another true story.

As the car drove down the highway, the monotony of the road and trees and yes, more trees, started to get under my skin. I glanced over at Jimmy sitting in the drivers seat. He always liked road trips; it was a time for him to relax and think.

Jimmy was checking his side mirror when I started nibbling on his neck. "Hey...I'm driving here" he protested.

"I know. I'm bored and want to play a little," I whined.

"Why don't you get the latest Sookie Stakehouse book and read to me," he suggested.
I stuck my lip out but unbuckled my seat belt and leaned into the back seat to find Club Dead, the book we were reading together. I plopped back down but before I put my belt back on I leaned in for a big kiss.

"I miss you, I haven't seen you all week," I purred.

"Fine, just don't surprise me when we are doing 75 and passing a caravan of semi-trucks" Jimmy said with a much sweeter tone. I had just started to plant little kisses on Jimmy's cheek when the car suddenly swerved to avoid a large pothole. My arm that was holding my weight up slipped and I fell forward into Jimmy's seat.

"I didn't know you were that bored," Jimmy said with a teasing tone. My head had landed right in his lap.

My head popped up, however most of my body was still sprawled across the seats. Looking up out the drivers side window I saw a nasty looking truck driver leering at me and smiling knowingly.

"No!" I said shaking my head emphatically, knowing what the dirty truck driver's mind had imagined. In High School a friend of mine had thought it was cool to have a CB radio and we’d inadvertently find ourselves chatting up truckers. My handle had been Brownie, a name I'd been given by Sister Big's husband when I was still a little girl. This was in the time before cell phone craze and man, those truck drivers had some dirty mouths! I had even asked one if they had special classes on talking dirty at Truck Driving school.

"What is it?" JimmyEW asked, looking at me oddly as I made shooing motions with my hand.

"That Burly truck driver's mind is in the gutter. Lets get away from him, I don't like him looking over here."

"What ever you say, babe" Jimmy said not questioning me any further. He was great that way, would listen and comply with my request without too much fuss.

He sped up, passed a few cars and changed lanes, then slowed to normal speed. But no sooner had I started to snuggle back against my Jimmy when he started to mutter something under his breath.

"What is it baby?" I asked him closing my eyes and sighing.

"It's Burly, he's back next to us. I can't shake him" Jimmy said looking miffed.

I glanced through Jimmy's window up at Burly who took advantage of my gaze and made obscene suggestive motions at me. I gasped, outraged, and made an obscene gesture of my own.

"Dude, why'd you flip him the bird?" Jimmy asked dismayed.

"Well, he was being... gross" I said defensively.

"Don't you know that a middle finger to a truck driving is like waving a red flag at a bull?" He grumbled back.

"Aren't bulls color blind?" I asked, off topic and trying to stay there. But Burly began honking and shaking his fist at us so it was impossible to distract Jimmy.

"Maybe we should take that exit." he said motioning toward the sign advertising a nearby gas station. I slumped in my seat and tried to ignore the menacing truck driver.

"I've got a plan, just watch." Jimmy said with a smirk spreading across his face. Jimmy sped up and right on cue so did the Burly trucker following them.

"Here we go," Jimmy said hoping this would work and not get them in more trouble. The exit was now in sight and Jimmy let off the gas completely. Burly was getting closer and closer.

"He's right next to us now. He's looking at us again and gesturing. DO SOMETHING!" I pleaded.

"Here it comes!" Jimmy said as he jerked the car off into the exit at the last second. Burly was left in the wrong lane AND too late to follow them. "HA!!!" Jimmy exclaimed. Jimmy was reveling in how well his ill-formed plan went, he was already recounting the play-by-play to me. I on the other hand had tuned him out and was looking at him with a blank look.

"You aren't listening to a word I'm saying, are you?" Jimmy asked with a crabby tone.

"STOP!!!" I screamed. At the end of the long exit was a stop sign that Jimmy hadn't seen as he was too wrapped up in his story telling. Jimmy slammed on the brakes. And we both lunged forward in the car, Jimmy knew that I hadn't yet put my seat belt on. He reached across before hitting the brakes and was able to use his strength to stop me from hitting the dash.

"I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" Jimmy asked. Somehow in the chaos of stopping and near miss of a massive head injury, I had found myself again sprawled across the seat. However, this time my head was under the seat near Jimmy's knees.

“Just a little shell shocked” I said shaken. As I got back in my seat, Jimmy looked around to see which way the gas station was. As he turned he saw a large semi-truck in a car pool parking lot. Just then, the trucker driver honked his horn and started making obscene gestures.

“Buckle that seat belt woman, we gotta go!" Jimmy said as the tires screeched.

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.


Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

Love the pic, babe. Good Job! You really should do that for a living ;)

echolily said...

Every trucker in the state was probably onto you by then. Jeepers...

Wait, don't you play with pictures for a living?

Sister Honey Bunch said...

You guys are going to get into some trouble between Mr. Chili and inspiring road rage!

Ashlee said...

Sassy, you just need to learn to start keeping that seatbelt on..then you wouldn't have these kinds of problems. :0) Good story!

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

Great story. I'm not sure I'd ever want to be alone with you and JimmyEW, however, because you seem to get into a lot of trouble together!

I LOVE the Sookie Stackhouse books!!!

Wade Huntsinger said...

That's funny, At one time we drove for Werner, the truck in your pic. Let's just say that in my travels, I have seen everything there is to see. I guess some people are unaware that truck drivers can see down and some people are very aware of it. However, in any profession there are "those people". There are tons of bad truck drivers out there who give the profession a bad name. When TC and i were out there we tried to do our part in making a positive difference. BTW Honey Bunch we thank you for your prayers.

jennifer said...

My grandfather is a retired truck driver that turned 89 Friday and believe me, they just ARE like that. He still acts like a randy 16 year old and my poor mom is constantly embarrassed and/or grossed out. It may be something in the food they get at the truck stops.....
Cool post! Jennifer

Anonymous said...

There are lots of drivers out there that are pervs but the majority are just honest hardworking guys traveling to and fro supporting their families and minding their own business. As our occupation is trucking please dont lump us all in that dreaded catagery as "those dirty truckers".
Jennifer, someone needs to set your grandpa straight and tell him its time to grow up!!!

Sister Sassy said...

Aw Anon, I hope I didn't hurt your feelings. You are absolutely right, I should not lump everyone all together. I formed my opinion early on that CB radio encounter but I do know there are very nice truckers out there.

Like my friend M who was being followed by a creepy guy on a freeway. She stopped at a rest area hoping he'd leave but he followed her. She was nearly alone late at night and there was a trucker leaving the rest room. She asked him to walk her out and he also followed her and had some of his trucker buddies block the guy so she could get away.

Thanks for reminding me of that story.