Do you ever have an uneasy feeling? Something nagging at the back of your mind just out of reach but there enough to cause you distress? I have that right now and I don't know why. Actually I think I'm afraid of something...I've made mistakes in my past, who hasn't, but every now and then I get this fear that some of them will come back to haunt me.
(mom, close your eyes)
Like during my brief moment of sexual activity during college (before I settled down with JimmyEW). I did the the deed with not the most...uh... savory of people. This was during my self destructive phase after Gabriel and I broke up in college.
Anyway, for years after that I would obsess about any strangeness down below. Every little weirdness freaked me out. I mean, after my one sexual encounter with him (and let me just put out there that was was my "boyfriend" at the time) I did get tested for HIV. I was pretty sure he didn't have it and we'd used protection the ONE time we did "it", but I was still paranoid all the same. But it wasn't until years later, when I was pregnant with Kiki, that they ran the whole slew of tests to rule out any sort of STD and finally put my mind at ease once and for all.
below photo from Nice Kind of Wierd's Flickr
But there are other skeletons in my closet that are scratching on the door. I can't shake it and I, for the most part, know they are all in my head. But I find myself withdrawing and worrying. I am afraid. These skeletons for me could be anything from an ex psycho boyfriend to the tyrantical boss that lives in town that I'm terrified to run into. Thats another story.
But specifically I don't know what is bothering me. Especially since JimmyEW assures me that nothing from the past can ever hurt us now that we have each other in the way we were meant to. I know this with with my heart, but my head won't shut up. I think my heart knows a lot more than my head, but right now my head is being the loud obnoxious one.
This makes me think again of John Eldredge and his book Waking the Dead. He talks a lot about how our culture and world try to silence our hearts. He says we don't pay enough attention to our hearts and we are clouded by the world we see with our eyes. He uses scripture to show how the heart is the wellspring and how we are meant to see with our hearts and not our eyes.
" They don't see. They are in a fog, under a spell. Their hearts are shrouded (2 Cor. 3:15;4:3-6) O God, take this shroud away
You will not think clearly about your life until you think mythically. Until you see with the eyes of your heart." Waking the Dead page 61
I need to strengthen my heart so it can kick my head's ass and make it shut the hell up once and for all.
Who's with me? What do you say? What does your head say that your heart knows not to be true? How does your head hold you hostage?? Who wants to join me in silencing our heads and setting our hearts free? Because frankly I'm sick of the second guessing and paranoia of my head.
Endnote. I feel much better. It took a bit of putting it in God's hands and a nice nap and I feel at ease again. Thanks be to God.
And Now for Tag Time!
We've been tagged by Valerie. I guess you grab the closest book to you open to page 123, find the first 5 lines and then post the next 3 sentences. I cheated and put 5 though because I couldn't bear to stop mid paragraph. So here is mine
"The Spirit Teaches us by bringing us to the place where we begin asking spirit questions instead of flesh questions. Spirit questions are questions from desperation. They arise when you reach the end of all the flesh question. When we finally ask a spirit question, the Holy Spirit will give us an answer. It's interesting how quickly the answer comes once you ask the right question."page 123 of The Rest of the Gospel (currently featured in our sidebar under What Sassy's Up To).
H0neybunch, you can add your part tomorrow or to the bottom of this.
Ok, I'm tagging Jane the Sane, Fish and Ashlee
(mom, close your eyes)
Like during my brief moment of sexual activity during college (before I settled down with JimmyEW). I did the the deed with not the most...uh... savory of people. This was during my self destructive phase after Gabriel and I broke up in college.
Anyway, for years after that I would obsess about any strangeness down below. Every little weirdness freaked me out. I mean, after my one sexual encounter with him (and let me just put out there that was was my "boyfriend" at the time) I did get tested for HIV. I was pretty sure he didn't have it and we'd used protection the ONE time we did "it", but I was still paranoid all the same. But it wasn't until years later, when I was pregnant with Kiki, that they ran the whole slew of tests to rule out any sort of STD and finally put my mind at ease once and for all.
below photo from Nice Kind of Wierd's Flickr
But there are other skeletons in my closet that are scratching on the door. I can't shake it and I, for the most part, know they are all in my head. But I find myself withdrawing and worrying. I am afraid. These skeletons for me could be anything from an ex psycho boyfriend to the tyrantical boss that lives in town that I'm terrified to run into. Thats another story.But specifically I don't know what is bothering me. Especially since JimmyEW assures me that nothing from the past can ever hurt us now that we have each other in the way we were meant to. I know this with with my heart, but my head won't shut up. I think my heart knows a lot more than my head, but right now my head is being the loud obnoxious one.
This makes me think again of John Eldredge and his book Waking the Dead. He talks a lot about how our culture and world try to silence our hearts. He says we don't pay enough attention to our hearts and we are clouded by the world we see with our eyes. He uses scripture to show how the heart is the wellspring and how we are meant to see with our hearts and not our eyes.
" They don't see. They are in a fog, under a spell. Their hearts are shrouded (2 Cor. 3:15;4:3-6) O God, take this shroud away
You will not think clearly about your life until you think mythically. Until you see with the eyes of your heart." Waking the Dead page 61
I need to strengthen my heart so it can kick my head's ass and make it shut the hell up once and for all.
Who's with me? What do you say? What does your head say that your heart knows not to be true? How does your head hold you hostage?? Who wants to join me in silencing our heads and setting our hearts free? Because frankly I'm sick of the second guessing and paranoia of my head.
Endnote. I feel much better. It took a bit of putting it in God's hands and a nice nap and I feel at ease again. Thanks be to God.
And Now for Tag Time!
We've been tagged by Valerie. I guess you grab the closest book to you open to page 123, find the first 5 lines and then post the next 3 sentences. I cheated and put 5 though because I couldn't bear to stop mid paragraph. So here is mine
"The Spirit Teaches us by bringing us to the place where we begin asking spirit questions instead of flesh questions. Spirit questions are questions from desperation. They arise when you reach the end of all the flesh question. When we finally ask a spirit question, the Holy Spirit will give us an answer. It's interesting how quickly the answer comes once you ask the right question."page 123 of The Rest of the Gospel (currently featured in our sidebar under What Sassy's Up To).
H0neybunch, you can add your part tomorrow or to the bottom of this.
Ok, I'm tagging Jane the Sane, Fish and Ashlee
And one final thought.
Isn't this the sweetest bugger you've ever seen? He so cute he rivals Ashlee's kids (who we all know are cuter than mine)!
What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.
25 comments:
Sassy, this might sound a little weird, and I am in no way trying to convert or twist your arm, but have you ever confessed? I don't mean to your husband or family members.
I, too, was plagued by nagging thoughts from my past. About 5 or 6 years ago, my son was preparing for his first sacrament of reconciliation. I went with him; they also gave time for the parents to go to confession. My son, who was 6 or 7, turned to me and said, "Mommy, I think you can do this, too." It had been over 20 years since I had last gone. So, I did.
That one act helped settle my heart.
interesting idea. I think you talked about confession another time. Clearly I struggle with beating myself up over past mistakes lol.
I'm not catholic but I've confessed to my counselor and my friends and Husband and God numerous times, but never a priest. hmmmmm... something to think about.
You should come to my Parish Penance Service tonight. Want me to pick you up?
And, quit using such freaky pictures. They scare me.
Well put sassy! I'm with you all the way!! Thanks for sharing that--I think every woman can relate to the heart not working together with the mind the way they were intended.
We are all messed up.
Love John Eldridge! And Staci too!
PS Love the rest of the gospel too.
Thanks for the post. Love the deep thoughts. :0)
http://video.stumbleupon.com/#p=ithct48cqw
Check out the video...maybe it will help. :0) My friend posted it on her blog. I cried..because I'm a sap like that.
Anyway...glad to know you've realized how cute my kids are. :0) Though you are definitely entitled to think yours are cuter than mine. It's our right as mothers. :0)
Oh my God, that child is so cute he almost makes me want to have a baby ;-)
I worry too much in general, on the plus side I think it helps my metabolism ;-) I am sure you have nothing to worry about.
Thanks for the tag, I'm extremely lazy about these things, but I shall try and make the effort :-)
Thanks for playing :)
When my head tells me stuff like that, I have learned to just open my mouth and tell it to shut-up. I was listening to a preacher one time who said that when we speak, it stops your thought process in its tracks. I know it sounds sort of weird, but it works. So normally under my breath I will say something like "Devil I know you are putting those thoughts in my head know go away. I have been forgiven of that and I am not going to relive it." So people might look at you funny for a minute for talking to yourself, but I normally get that anyway. :)
I have those feelings regularly. From age 17 until about 26, my past is a bit um... checkered. I've confessed and repented and prayed, but I still worry that one day... one day... it will all come back on my head. I think it's a normal feeling, but that doesn't make it any easier!
Perhaps those nagging doubts and feelings are maybe God's way of reminding us not to go there again.
I love the idea of telling my head to shut up and listen to my heart...I am going to use this. I'll think of you!
Thanks!
Nester, thanks for the feedback. I was feeling slightly anxious about posting this. Your comment helped :)
Ashlee, the vid looks good. I was trying to watch but constant question from my Kiki made me decide to wait and watch later.
Fish, no hard feelings if you don't play :)
Valarie, I like what you had to say very much. I think I will absolutely try this!
Jen, geez I hate those "one day" worries. maybe some of the comments in here will help you too.
Saint- thanks for that thought, perhaps you're right.
Thanks Christine! Let me know if it works for you lol! I found a number of sections in Waking the Dead that illuminating on this subject.
How come you never comment back to me? Sheesh!
Thanks for the tag. I have nothing else to write about today so woo hoo!
As for your post I think guilt can be an amazingly instructive thing. It helps us learn not to do what we did again. Once we've repented though further guilt (I believe) is Satan trying to drag us down. If he can't make us do whatever it was again if he can make us agonize over it, or depressed or anxious then that is almost as good. He delights in our misery. I think a prayer and a nap were a great solution.
ps
I like HB's new headshot but I can't believe she said that picture of Baby Bubkus scared her. That was mean.
pss or is it pps
My kid is cuter than Ashlee's.
Jane, you're funny.
It's her hand pictures. First the monkey hands, now these skeleton hands. It's weird.
Lol!! I like HB's headshot too.
Jane, I think you are right on! The night before I kept having all sorts of yucky thoughts and then I had a yucky dream that night and I just felt like something was coming at me. Attacked, ACK! something that John Eldridge talks about is of the evil out there trying to take us down.
HB, I don't respond to you because I talk to you twenty times a day. SOmetimes I think, Maybe I should say something back, but then I pick up the phone and let you hear my lovely voice.
Lucky you!
Did SHB get her hair cut, or has it always been this short and I have just been going on the other picture in my head? I like it, it looks good. :)
Thanks Valarie! I just got it cut last week.
Honey Bunch...your hair is super sassy! I love it! I chopped my hair once several years back...I didn't look nearly as cute as you do. :0)
HB- LOVE the hair cut, much better than the picture of the hallway with you standing in front of it ;)
Great post and I'm with JaneTheSane on this one. The devil is out there and why not drag us all down? What else does he have to do? Play hopscotch? I'm going to use Valaries technique next time it comes.
Some great advice found here today. Sassy,John Eldridge is awesome. Have you or JimmyEW read "Wild At Heart". This is the best book ever, oh wait a minute, there is "The Journey of Desire". Anyway, we are reading "The rest of the Gospel", right now.So far it's great!
Thanks Wade! We'll look into Wild at Heart. I'm sure it is great! :)
Sassy - You are a deep soul! Sometimes when we dig we get treasures. Other times we just get the old crap at the bottom of the lake. Stop digging and start praying to Jesus to wash away the thoughts that are dragging you down.
Life is too short and there is too many interesting and fun things to think about. Go read some uplifting books that don't include skeletons and dead bodies. (Send those books to me. I love a mystery.)
Okay, enough. I am totally avoiding doing what is nagging on my brain - a complete rewrite of the children's book I am working on. A critical character came waltzing into my brain earlier this week and now the book won't be the same without her. Darn those long showers. I just can't seem to get started. Too much blog party fun.
Party on!
I have Wild at Heart. You can borrow it.
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