Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Staying Connected

If you were me last night, this is what you got to look at. Let me tell you how I came to find myself determined to stare into these beautiful eyes a couple of nights a week.

My husband and I haven't been the most connected couple through our marriage. Many of you know that there was a big dark secret that I held on to most of my marriage that kept us from being connected. However, now that we are happy and in love we find it very important to work at staying connected.

It is so easy for couples to lose sight of each other in the midst of the chaos of the rat race. Working, children, family, friends and of course the most important, TV. These things suck the time out of your marriage, however many of them are things you can't neglect, except for the kids of course. Just kidding.

I feel this missing connection often during his long weekends when I barely seem him. By the time the weekend is over we're both feeling distant and tired. Him from working constantly, me from being a single parent. A few weekends ago I started worrying that something was wrong with us, maybe something was wrong with me. Why was I feeling depressed and disconnected from him. Maybe I'd never be happy, maybe I was wrong about my love, maybe I was kidding myself. I could tell he was picking up on these feelings, he kept coming and touching me and looking at me when we had brief moments together.

By the end of his last working weekend we sent the boys off to bed and then I simply sat down on his lap and gazed into his eyes. And suddenly all the yuckiness melted away and I proclaimed how much I missed him. That sitting and gazing was so important. I read that looking into someone's eyes will illicit feelings of falling in love and deep connectedness, that gazing is a very naked thing to do. It creates a sort of vulnerability, and emotional vulnerability in both partners is important in a strong relationship. At least in my opinion, and since I have a bacholors degree in Family Studies, then of course I'm delusional right.
When was the last time you sat and faced your partner, looking deeply into their eyes and talked about your love, your life, your future?

So JimmyEW and I have started scheduling (yes, I said scheduling) time for us to spend connecting in a deep and soulful way. And no, this does not have to be ESS EE EX. We have picked the days that we will take the time to Soulfully Connect and that will be the first thing we do after the boys go to bed. Sure, it seems to lack spontaneity, but who cares. And, like I said, it's not about doing the deed, although it may lead to that. Its about you and your partner saying to each other that you are going to shut out all of life's distractions, turn off the TV and devote a small slice of time to emotional intimacy.

Now I challenge you to try this and let me know how it goes. I could be wrong about it working for everyone, but I can tell you, it works for me.
and now for more works for me Wednesday tips go here.

What's that? You want to comment? Just click on the itty-bitty words below that say "Gimme Some Sugar". Can you see them? Good. We can't wait to chat with you.


saintseester said...

The other day, I caught my husband gazing at me, not just looking at me. I thought he was staring at the TV, but it was me. I can't tell you how I cherish that moment.

Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

I have to say that the last few weeks were just so busy that the 'us' time got put dead last. Its nice to know that we schedule it, so that we don't put everything else first.
And your eyes are much prettier to look at, dear Sassy :)

Ashlee said...

I completely understand your feelings on this one. Life does get crazy. My favorite moments are when Jaysen looks across the room at me and winks. He does it frequently. It's our little "thing". You can see the cute little twinkle in his eye. I melt every time.
I don't think there's anything wrong with scheduling the time for you. Couples schedule "date night" all the time, so why not "gaze night"? Makes sense to me! :0)

Jen said...

Great advice! My husband and I have been going through something similar. We've both been working long hours. We live in a town that's a major tourist attraction (DC), so family's been "dropping in" every weekend--a trend that will continue through the end of the summer. We just talked last night about limiting the visits and scheduling more alone time. You're right--it's SO important!

Shalee said...

Believe it or not, Mr. Right and I did the same thing. When we hit the bed, he asked if I wanted to pop something in and relax. Instead, I asked if we could just lay in bed and talk. (We could do it without the sex because we took care of that need a day earlier...)

This is a great tip. Reconnecting is such a good thing in marriage AND friendship!

Brother JimmyEatWorld said...

BTW, are those caterpillars above my eyes? I hope your looking into my eyes and not my bushy brows. ;)

Jane the Sane said...

I love looking in Thad's eyes. They are the most beautiful blue. I can see how much he loves me when I look. I think scheduling is a great idea!

kspin said...

Ok, so I read your big dark secret post right before I left the house, and I cried the whole way to Target!

I'm so glad everything worked out so well for you two! I think you are both incredible. Really.

High Hopes said...

Bravo Sassy! Sometimes we have to know when to stop and give our precious relationships time to grow. If it means scheduling it in, so be it! I think we lose that connection when we forget and get bogged down in the minutae of everyday.

I am off to gaze in my hub's gorgeous chestnut brown eyes. He will probably want me to rub his back instead. Sigh....

Sister Sassy said...

Sorry you cried Kspin, but hopefully you tried your tears with something pretty from Target.

Highhopes, make him rub yours back ;)

Valarie said...

You are so right Sassy, we need to have that alone time with our hubby. Sometimes its just hard when you aren't even home long enough to do a load of laundry. I think Hubby and I need to take a vacation away from it all.

Martha said...


You are right. I'm going to do this.

And You and Jimmyeatsworld are an inspiration to all couples!


Miss jane said...