Dream Job: Sassy Wants to be a Head Case

This is what I made for Sister Honey's 40th birthday. It's a 16x20 photograph made up of heads of all the girls who came to her party placed expertly on the wrong body.

Now first, I have to make a disclaimer that some of the ladies were less than helpful (or tech savvy) in providing me with a decent headshot, so I had to make due with really bad ones.
If I could I'd sit around all day putting heads on bodies they don't belong on, I really would. That and taking pictures. I love photography.

This obession with "heads" started when my best friend had to do a High School French project and we made a nice poster. It included one measly French phrase, but had hours of work putting heads on other peoples bodies.

And not just ANY heads. This was the 1990's and it was the presidential election between Bush Sr, Bill Clinton and Ross Perot. Dessert Storm was around the same time (if I wasn't so lazy I'd do a tad bit of research and get the actual dates right. But I have two kids and I'm surprised they've let me type this long. Peanut butter crackers...what can't they do?).

So this poster was made up of our beloved political fodder of the day on bodies from fashion magazines.

My favorite was a blushing Bill Clinton looking bashfully down at his/her exposed knees while Bush Sr. offered him a flower.

There was also a group photo of them chatting in a manner that made us call the picture "Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?"

After our intial project I realized I could make all our dreams come true simply by opening our high school year book. Now I had access to heads of all the boys we had crushes on! We married them, had families, beach houses, rode horses, kissed on the beach... it was the closest we'd ever get to them. Pathetic!

This head game was made possible by my dad's stack of Newsweeks, our stacks of Sassy magazine and the fact my dad owned a copier business that allowed me to copy and enlarge the heads to the correct size. Now with the advanced computers I can use my photo software to accomplish the same thing with less mess, effort. And no gluing.

Because I couldn't think of a way to earn money making heads I decided to play with heads in the only way I could think of, I got a degree in Psychology! lol! But seriously, wouldn't you pay for something like this? I think Bossy could use my talents, don't you? Just look at her John Cusack video...I could give her the life of her dreams.

Or Mrs. Fussypants, who I know likes doing adventerous things with other peoples bodies (ok, that sounded really wrong lol!)

Jimmy Eat World wants me to throw it out there that you too can hire me to create wonderfully funny gifts for your recent High School Graduate or 40 year old sister. So sure, if you really want something like this just let me know ;)

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My Night at the Homeless Shelter

I'm sitting here at my desk listening to freezing rain as it hits my window. We are in for quite a storm tonight. While the world outside my window is dangerous and wet and cold with blowing and drifting snow, I am warm and cozy inside my home. My fire is lit, I'm wearing my favorite snugly robe and I just finished a delicious homemade dinner.

Others are not so lucky. I met many of them a couple weeks ago when I had the privilege of serving at our city's homeless shelter.

When people think of Traverse City, most people imagine the beautiful beaches, Cherry Festivals, Sleeping Bear Dunes and unique downtown shops. They don't consider that we also have our own homeless population.

While Traverse City has a homeless shelter, it doesn't meet the needs of our community. To solve that problem, a group of people developed a program called Safe Harbor that provide sanctuary to the homeless. Safe Harbor rotates among a network of local churches each week from November until May. Each participating church recruits members to prepare meals, visit with the guests, clean the facility, serve meals and spend the night to ensure the safety of all.

The night I spent was eye-opening. I learned that people are the same no matter their circumstances. They have hopes for their future, they dream about a better life. They follow sports and news. And they listen to a little ZZ Top. Like Disco Don.

When I arrived, Disco Don came up to my car listening to his ipod and doing a little dance. (And, yes. I said ipod, because everyone needs their tunes.) Disco Don offered me his ear buds so I could enjoy the song he was boogieing to. I politely declined, explaining that I could hear it just fine from where I was. He then said to me, "You know Ma'am. I love Jesus. And I like my smokes. And I love God, but I like to drink." I smiled and said that I also love Jesus and enjoy a drink every now and then and he danced happily away.

I also met a man and woman who are planning to get married in April. They were talking about the details of there wedding: who is going to be Best Man, what kind of dress she wants to wear, hoping their friends will be able to make it. Why had it never occurred to me that homeless people meet, fall in love, and plan a future together? Just like you and I.

Then there was Philip. Philip has nicely trimmed hair, white, straight teeth. He's smart as a whip and very well-read. He discussed the primaries, gas prices and shared his opinions on many other subjects. His clothing was clean, brand-name and he was very well-mannered. And yet, he has no job, he has no car, he has no home.

I met Carol who was certain all of the women at the shelter were conspiring against her. She refused to sleep in the same room as them because she feared for her life. Instead she made up a cot outside the parish library and stayed there all evening. Even to eat her meals.

When I sat down to talk to her, she asked me about the business I am in (real estate) and proceeded to tell me how standards and practices of the real estate and mortgage industries need to change. She explained in great detail how she knew there is a recession around the corner and offered her suggestions as to how it can be avoided. And yet, she is homeless.

I met mothers and father. Grandparents. A young gentleman who works hard every single day but just can't seem to get ahead.

Another of the guests goes out every night around 10pm and spends three or four house collecting beer and pop cans to return for money.

I met very young adults who have family in town. And yet, they are homeless.

As I sat in my chair during my "awake" shift in the early hours, I listened to the quiet (and sometimes loud) snoring of these men and women who through some bad habits (drugs and alcohol), poor choices (drinking under age, not paying tickets) and other more complicated reasons (mental illnesses) do not have the blessings that I have.

It is my belief that our purpose in this world is to serve others. Whether it is our own families, a depressed co-worker, a sick neighbor, the homeless. We can"buy a man to fish" or "teach a man to fish", we just need to get that guy a fish.

Our challenge is to touch people's lives. In whatever way we can, every single day. And then go home and shake our groove thang like Disco Don.

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"Sorry, wrong number": Can 411 tell me my calling?

Sassy in her pre-jaded glory
I don't know about you but I know that where I am in life is far from where I expected I'd be when I was a young dreaming little girl.

My earliest desire was to take pictures, I loved photography and would see images as pictures around me. Everything was a photograph and if I didn't have a camera with me it was a picture I never got to take. Like the image of the woman walking down the train tracks with two small children in tow, or the way the light danced on the water in the everglades. Missed opportunity.

When I went to college I decided I wanted to study psychology, something else that always interested me. Figuring out the way people worked, how their life influenced their choices, how some people are resilient and others spiral down into darkness' really intrigued me. But if I were to ever say I had a passion it was photography.

In the interest of being practical I just took a few classes for my own enjoyment and double majored in Psych and family studies. I was going to be a clinical psychologist by God! I was going to get my PhD and I was going to be Dr. Sassy and I was going to save the masses and I was going to prove EVERYONE wrong about me! ...However the Psych grad schools didn't so much agree with my plan and sent me big fat rejection letters..or really, little skinny two sentences "You SUCK" rejection letters. Come on people! I'm just bad at math! Give me a break!

Suddenly I was lost! This did not go according to my plan at all. Graduation was quickly approaching and I had no plan and my bachelors degree in psych would only get me a job as a low level case worker that would have me burned out quicker than you can say Chain Smoker!

But my darling Jimmy Eat World stepped in and suggested I apply for a Social Work program, and not just any but the #1 ranked and probably most expensive school in the Nation. That made me cry. I did NOT want to be a social worker! I wasn't going to spend all my money and education passing out Food Stamps thank you very much. And, even though I was reluctant to say so, I wasn't sure direct care was my calling anymore.

I had worked for a domestic violence shelter while in College and would get so incensed by the helplessness and inability to truly make changes in the world. In that setting I would be the person pulling babies out of the river, not the person teaching babies to swim and not the one stopping whoever from throwing babies in the river in the first place. I wanted to be the person that would help create a world where people would never dream of throwing babies in the river at all or in the very least be the one physically stopping the world before they tossed them in. I was afraid if I continued in the direct service field that the never ending stream of babies in the river would eventually drown me.

But then a friend invited me to go to an information meeting about Social Work and Public Policy and I realized I really was a social worker just not the therapist type but the Community Organizing type. The type that rouses up the people to make changes in their lives and communities through social action or public policy. I wanted to be Jane Adams or Mother Jones!

So I applied and was accepted, partially based on my essay (according to the admissions department head) and partially because I had chosen Community Organizing as my focus as opposed to Interpersonal practice which the majority of students chose.

But even though I found my niche, I still felt like I was missing something. After five years in the field, three totally psycho bosses and a short gig as a Stay Home Mom, I now work in a field completely removed from any sort of social services and spend most of my time working with photographs...and I love it more than any other job I've ever had!

But...I still have this nagging question and that is...what am I called for? There was always something deep inside me that made me feel like I was supposed to do something greater than myself, something more important. Does everyone have that or am I just a big dreamy dork because I actually believed it for most of my life? I don't know, but right now, $70k in Student Loans later and I'm just as lost as I was when I was little.

I know there is something bigger I'm meant to do and this journey of trying to discover it is kinda sucking. I keep thinking it will come to me, It will just light up above me and I'll suddenly know what it is I'm supposed to do. But I'm a little afraid that I might not ever figure it out. This should probably get me down except that even just a year ago I thought it was already too late to do what I was meant to, I thought I had missed my chance. At least I feel like it is still in my grasp, I just have to keep looking. I guess all I can do is wait, have faith and keep on trucking.

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Simple is the New Black

I struggle with envy. It doesn't overpower my life and make me miserable. Nor does it cause me to spend money I don't have. It doesn't even make me harbor ill-will toward those who have more than I do. But it does still have an impact on my daily life.

I have a nice home, and wonderful family and great friends. I have a reliable car that isn't rusting out on me. I have a boat to enjoy with those I love. I have a good job. But I often want more.

What do I want? I want to be a skinny and gorgeous mom like I see at Logan's school every day. I want her perfectly straight, bleached teeth. I want that humongous diamond ring that is so heavy on her manicured hand she can barely wave to me. I want her designer wardrobe, her Fendi bag, her toned and tanned body. I want her hair that doesn't go too long between highlights, and her housekeeper who keeps things shiny and nice. I want her daily lunches with girlfriends. Her latest and greatest everything.

I am the oldest mom in my son's class. I am also one of the few working moms in his class. My teeth could use some Colgate Strips. My wardrobe is only designer because I haunt resale stores and shop eBay. My bag is a Kate Spade knock-off from two years ago.

My body has betrayed me and I am forced to participate in this God-forsaken 10 Week Challenge. I'm six weeks overdue for a cut and color. I clean my own house thank you very much. (And, I actually enjoy it.) I take leftovers for lunch so we can save for spring break. I don't have a latest and greatest anything. My ring...well, it is gorgeous and perfect.

You know what I do have though? I have a husband who comes home to me every single night. Who works hard on our home remodel so it is as beautiful as we want. He helps with the laundry, cooks many dinners each week and he rubs my feet. Every. Single. Night.

I have a son who is precious and funny and naughty and smart. I have parents and in-laws who love me and would do anything for me. Brothers and sisters who are smarter and funnier than anyone I know. I have amazing nieces and nephews who crack me up. I have the best friends anyone could ever want.

At Mass this weekend, Father Bill talked about envy and how in the early church people were being idiots arguing "I'm on Paul's side." "Yeah, well Peter is my man" and not being satisfied with where they were and what they were supposed to be doing. Envy sucks. We need to be content, friends.

So, I purged yesterday. This is the day my husband has been dreaming about! I emptied out all of my drawers in my office and threw away stuff I no longer need. I cleaned my pantry, my refrigerator, my cabinets. I took clothes I haven't worn in the last 8 months and put them in the Goodwill pile. Logan chose toys he doesn't play with anymore and is giving them away. We took six bags out of our home today. It is an amazing feeling. Can I hear an Amen?

In addition to church and my husband's fantasies, I was also influenced by a couple bloggers I have been stalking. (Shhhhh.)

Rachel at The Simple Family has been focused on making her life more, well, simple. Her family is eliminating what they don't need, and really considering why they spend their money. Go over there and get inspired.

Another family has taken A Year Off from shopping. They are not doing this to save money. They decided to only spend money on things that they absolutely need. One reader wrote in and questioned if Diet Coke would be a want or a need. Um, hello? Total and complete need right here! Duh.

My personal goal is to continue purging. I'm going to purge my annoying working-mom guilt. I'm going to purge the dated and ugly clothes in my closet. I'm going to purge the fear to take a chance at something I love. I'm going to purge living with limits. And I'm going to purge my resentment toward those skinny, cute moms because they ain't got what I got. Can I hear a "Preach it, Sister"?

But wait! THERE'S MORE! It's time for my 10 Week Challenge Update!

Goals Accomplished
In possession of medication---check.
Eating protein and veggies all day, every day---check.
Down two wonderful pounds---BIG. FAT. CHECK. BABY!

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Winter Fun

Saturday afternoon in Northern Michigan can be slightly stark since some could say there isn't a lot to do here. However as long as you're willing to slap on enough outerwear there is fun to be had all over the place. Just look at what we did yesterday and for FREE! Thats right, free people!

Sassy and Honey Bunch in their .50 cent hats!

Hey! Outta My Way! Bumper Cones!

Honey and her kid Logan

Smiling Boogs

(that's Sassy's Sweet Pea)

Weeeeeee!

"Mama, that GIRL is in my class!" Sippin' some Cocoa

(Sassy's boys Sawyer and Kindred and Sister HB's kid Logan)

We have drinking problems

I think I drank too much...

Photo Sharing - Video Sharing - Photo Printing - Photo Books

The Postman Always Poops Once and other ramblings

I recently started my new position as a property manager for a luxury condominium community. My office is located inside a beautiful clubhouse where the fireplace is always warm and cozy and happy music is playing in the background. You will usually find me in my office enjoying a nice cup of coffee with my favorite creamer as I go about my daily tasks of running the joint.

Before this job I was in outside sales. The money was great, it was always exciting and challenging. After awhile, though the stress made my eye twitch, my heart race and I transformed into an awful wife and mom. Plus in the winter my feet were always cold. Always. So I left the world of B2B sales and came to this less stressful environment.

This job is a piece of cake and in this economy I am very grateful to be making decent money, receiving generous benefits and not having a boss in the near vicinity. But I'm bored. You can usually catch me watching Oprah out my office door in the afternoon wishing someone would come in needing my expertise. About anything. Heck, I'd help them fill out grocery list if they asked.

The monotony of my day is broken up by my friendly mailman. The first time I met him he introduced himself, gave me my mail and took off around the corner in the opposite direction of the door. I figured he was thirsty. The man seemed to be thirsty every single day.

I happened to follow him out of my office one afternoon and realized he was not walking to the kitchen to get a sip of water or a cup of coffee. Oh no. He was stopping in the men's room. And staying there a really long time. Apparently my mailman's biological clock is set to occur every day at my stop. He is doing his business in my office with no embarrassment or apologies. Every day.

And, can I just point out how very different women are in this regard? When I worked for a company that had a unisex restroom (Stupidest. Idea. Ever.) my friend TK and I would go to the Shell station to take care of our business. It was done privately and discreetly. I cringe now every day when I see the mail truck pull up. I just know way too much about the poor guy now.

Speaking of which, this reminds me of the very funny chapter book Logan and I are reading this week. It's part of a series and if you have a typical boy with "boy" humor, he will love to read Captain Underpants And The Perilous Plot Of Professor Poopypants (Captain Underpants) We've been reading this all week and it has just been a hoot. I'm sensing a pattern here.

(When I picked Logan up from school this week, he announced that he likes to pee in the snow in our backyard (When, son? And why?) Curious, I asked him why. He said simply, "No flush. No wash". It seems that part of the bathroom visit has been cramping his style.)

The time has come for me to address a very serious topic. I would like to share with you an important lesson I learned this week. (Please pay attention so that you never have to go through the pain and frustration that I experienced.)

It's about shoes, my friends. And missing out on really really good sales. I am not a fan of shopping just for the sake of shopping. That's just not my nature. But I love a cute shoe and I live for a good deal.

I went to the mall with my friend Kali and was devastated to learn that I was a day late and a dollar short. There was a sale that I did not know about.

If you are like me and not a regular shopper, you are not informed about upcoming sales and special stock that is scheduled to arrive in your favorite shops. You do not have the opportunity to make friends with the sales person who will be earning a nice commission check off your purchases.

Really bad things can happen when you are not privy to this information.

Like this. Would you just look at these adorable shoes I missed out on! They are only $25.00. Twenty. Five. Dollars. And they are soft and supple and cute and cheap.

If I wore a size 10, I would be in cute-shoe heaven. But, I do not, so I am not.

Kali and I also found some Uggs marked down from $250.00 to $60.00. Again, if I had big ol' giant Sasquatch feet I would have been a shoe-in (I am so sorry. I just had to use that pun). Unfortunately, I have delicate and adorable size 7 feet. As do all the skinny, heavy-diamond wearing, Mercedes-driving, nanny-hiring, house cleaner-employing, spa-treatment-getting, lettuce-eating women who have the time to flit about the mall and snatch these bad boys up before I get there.

It wasn't all bad though. Just take a peek at what I found for my bedroom? It's at TJ Maxx and it's on clearance for only $15.00. My husband (unlike a lot of husbands) actually enjoys being a part of the process of selecting paint colors, flooring, furniture and paintings. We usually agree on our choices and have fun doing this together. I took a picture of this to make sure he liked it too. He's a bit iffy. What do you think? I think it's fab.

On a final note I have some celebrity news. It's been a somber week with Heath Ledger dying, messed-up Brittney losing custody of her two sons, Lindsay having to work in a morgue as part of her parole requirements.

Let's talk about something happy now.

Have you ever watched that TLC show about the Duggar family? They have 17 biological children (whose names all start with the letter J). Michelle Duggar is a very happy, laid back mom who runs a tight ship, home schools her children and has a debt-free household. Well, she finally got rid of her really big hair. This is cause for celebration. All of the moms around the world are rejoicing for this one sister who has been saved from outdated hair. Amen, and have a great day.

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Fashion Police: Sassy Has the Book Thrown at Her

Fashion has never been something I've ever been very interested in. In fact aside from the break down purchase of a Guess T-shirt in middle school (I was too poor for the jeans) I've purposely remained fashionably bleak so to speak. In early High School I tended to dress like a Jr. Executive for some reason, not sure what that was about, but then Kurt Cobain hit the airways and grunge look here I came! I hovered somewhere between grungie, hippy and gothy (before there was such a style) and finally decided to gain 60 lbs and just settle for frumpy.

After grad school and baby number two I made an actual effort to lose weight and try to put myself together in a more fashionable manner, yet I still find myself wearing outfits that illicit a "It looks like you just picked random clothes off the floor and put them on" comment from Ms. Oh So Chic co-worker (and friend:) ). Since I felt like a hipocrit for making fun of some fashion flubbers here in my hometown I decided to put myself out there with a week of Sister Sassy fashion and let Ms. Oh So Chic and Honey Bunch have at it. I'll also let you get in on the action.

Monday: I was rather proud of this ensable. The tops were from Kohls-I think the sweater was $7, the Orange shirt $15. The skirt is a year old and from Old Navy Outlet, I don't know how much I paid but I can promise it was less than $15. The fun stripey tights and shoes were from Target and also less than $15. How do I know? Because something just won't let me pay more than $15 for a piece of clothing...I just can't do it.

Sister Honey Says: Cute tights. I think I might like the skirt. If it's corduroy (it is and you were with me when I bought it). If it's not, burn it. The top half... I'm not a huge fan. I would like to see you wear a thick cable turtleneck in one of the darker colors that are in the tights. Lose the shoes and wear a pair of high boots. (Honey, I think a turtle neck would accentuate my fat face, thank you very much)

Ms. Chic says "I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Sassy in a skirt, especially one that hits right at the knees like this one! Great color combination with the beige tones and a pop of color with the orange underneath, a perfect complement to Sassy’s skin tone and frequently changing hair color (hehe). Ordinarily this would be a great outfit, however the “typical Sassy” stripped sock/tight addition really takes away from the whole look. I would recommend some basic panty hose or a darker brown tight. Black shoes is a big no, no with this outfit; what happened to the tan heels you bought to go with this look? Also, this is how I would expect “My Manager” (lol) to dress on a regular basis."

This outfit is more traditional office attire. It's cute, the pants bug the hell out of me though because they zip on the size and have a double button. The top sweater from Target, bottom sweater from Old Navy Outlet (Ms. Chic expressed surprised that Old Navy Outlet would have such a cute item) and the pants from the Gap outlet. This is probably most chic outfit...however I had a big flaw the brought the whole thing down...

Honey Says "Big. Fat. Yawn. There's nothing about that outfit that says "Hey. You want to know me. I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm cool". It mostly says you grabbed a pair of black pants, a pink shirt and then remembered it was winter and went back for a sweater. Or jacket. Whatever the heck that is. Again, it's not a bad or ugly outfit. Just quit wearing it." (Mind you this comment is written by a girl who thinks it's ok to wear overalls. Seriously, only painters and pregnant women should wear overalls! EVER! Give me a break Honey Bunch!)

Ms. Chic says "Oh, the ever so “I’m trying to be professional” Sassy. Although you can’t tell from the picture the sweater is quite provocative and I love it! The low cut looks great when you have something to show off like Sassy (hehe), although there is the chance some male cohorts may take a peek (sorry Jim, it’s reality). Loose the black cardigan it is too big on you anyway. To make the outfit look professional a nice, fitted, beige blazer would look wonderful."

Ms. Chic says "It’s always good to own a pair of FUGGS and “yay” for keeping up with stylish winter boots. Although UGGS are much better (trust me once you wear a pair you won’t be able to go back)."

This picture speaks for itself. I got it from this great short lived thrift store in Kalamazoo called Planet Clairs.

Honey Bunch says "Oh for the love all that is good, God the Father, Jesus and Mother Mary, BURN THAT SHIRT. That is all. "

Ms. Chic says "Paisley rocks! It’s been making a huge comeback over the past few years, so you can still pull off the clothes you wore in High School (well some of them, don’t get the wrong idea Sassy). Loose the tee underneath and replace it with a lower cut white tank, maybe with some lace along the top. Low cut is a MUST when wearing a button shirt open like this. I would say a bit too casual for M-Th., but no problem with jeans on a Friday"



This is a casual outfit and probably most closely represents my normal dress. Nondescript tops and cords...because I came across a pair of cords that fit well and looked fine so I bought three pair in different colors. Sue me.

Honey bunch says "Corduroy pants, v-neck sweater, generic shirt underneath, socks that have no business with that outfit. I feel that it is not right for work (thanks but I work in a basement and all my business is conducted via phone and email so I'm comfortable with this choice). It's the kind of outfit you would wear to hang around the house and scrapbook-if you were the scrapbooking type. You're not. You don't dress edgy enough. I think you try to be "different", but you also need to include "cool" and "stylish".

Ms Chic says "Are those the socks you really had on with this outfit? I seem to remember a mismatched pair being worn, which is also “typical Sassy” fashion. These cords fit really well (although they could use a hem) and again the beige tones compliment herself. The green sweater is another great color and I like that she thought to brighten it up with pink! I have to say though, this looks like an outfit you would wear on a Saturday while running around with the kids, rather than to work."




I love this sweater, its great and warm and ugly and it has two front pockets! What more could I want? I wore this sweater on purpose thinking Ms. Chic would hate it, but that backfired and she thought it looked similar to some Shee Shee designer so and so... I got this at Goodwill too many years ago and it was old then. Probably from the 70's sometime.
Honey Bunch Says "The colors of the sweater are good. The sweater itself is hideous. Please don't ever wear it unless you are outside building a snowman with your boys. Better yet, put it on the snowman".

Ms. Chic Says " While most may view this sweater as ugly; it is actually rather fashionable. Who’d have known Sassy owns a designer knock off? Missoni is one of my favorite designer brands that I have yet to be able to afford. The colors don’t do Sassy or Missoni justice, but it’s got that “flame weave” I love!"

Overall Ms. Oh So Chic says...
Overall Honey Says "my critisism is not about the clothes you picked out. Well, except for the ugly shirt and sweater. It's that the outfits don't match your personality. They are more suited to a conservative, laid back person, of which you are not. This is how you should dress (I think you have something very similar):

So there you have my fashion week. I know it would have been better had I been wearing them but Jimmy Eat World worked late a lot that week and my arms only stretch so far.

...After reading the comments from "Honey"Bunch I decided that I was siding with her five-year-old son Logan. "You're mean! Super mean!" Oh and Ms. Chic, YOU get a raise! (except I don't have the authority to do that so it's only a raise in Karma for making a 30 something girl blush).

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A Match.Com Success Story

I was not a Sex in the City kind of girl when I was single. I would go out to bars with my friends, but I was not overly impressed with what I saw. I can tell you all about slim pickings. I was not surrounded by the cream of the crop.

Instead, I got hit on by 35+ year-old men (Good start. My age group) who behaved as though they were still frat boys. (Grow up. Please.) I had weirdos come up to me and say things like "Your legs must be tired 'cuz you've been running through my mind all night". (Stupid, much?)

Married men hit on me. True story: I had one guy lie and tell me he was divorced. He was my TV advertising rep and I had no reason to suspect that he was a big, fat, hairy liar. So of course I had a make-out session with him in the parking lot (I know. Sorry mom.), only to meet his wife one day a few years later and learn they had never even been separated. Oh, the joys of dating.

I tried singles groups in churches. That didn't work out so well for me. My final experience was when the Singles Club went bowling. Now, I don't know about you, but when I bowl (which I try to never do) I eat wings and drink a beer. Only with this group I ate wings, drank half of a beer, and got judged, scolded for being a bad example and publicly embarrassed. WWJD? Not that, thank you.

Frustrated, I gave up. Sassy eventually grew tired of my moaning and groaning about my state of affairs (or lack thereof) and signed me up on match.com. Oh yes she did. This is my picture she used for the profile.

My requirements (I even wrote a list which I still have to this day) were that the man I married had to be Patient (because, well, of me), Persistent (I'd been hurt and was very scared of jumping back in), Confident, Friendly (with lots of friends), Christian, Responsible, Love his Parents and be Good Looking.

The first message I received sounded promising. This man was attractive, successful and interesting. We emailed back and forth a few times. So that I could learn more about him, he sent me a link to his website. It was a cool way to check out his work and see pictures of him and his friends. I guess I passed some kind of creepy test, because he sent me a code to get into a "special room" on his site. Hello Ugly Naked Pictures. Forever burned into my memory (and Sassy's). I hit delete and crossed him off my list.

The next guy was a computer something-or-other at the library AND he was in a band. Now how hot is that-he reads, he's smart and he's IN A BAND ya'll? We planned a date, but "Mike's" car broke down and he didn't know when he would be able to get it fixed. I'm not shallow but... Strike One. Then he opened up about his divorce and the bitterness and anger came spewing forth. Strike Two. Then, I went to see his band play and finally meet him in person. He was cute. He looked good when he played. I still got a funny vibe. Strike Three, and you are out.

Finally, one evening I opened up my email and discovered the funniest guy I had communicated with thus far. He made me laugh. He seemed sincere. He was cute. I married him.

We wrote each other for about three weeks before actually meeting. During those three weeks we also spoke on the phone (he has a great phone voice. I still tell him that) and I stood him up about three or four times. But, who's counting?

Tuesday, November 7, 2000
Subject: Match.com--you've got mail: Hello
From Tom:
Hello there...responding to your ad. Of course there are men in Northern Michigan. I just moved to Traverse City a few months ago and was wondering myself if there were any women up here! I am 38 years old, college educated, single with no children. I love the outdoors--biking, golf, sailing, water and snow skiing or just hanging out at the beach. I have a GREAT sense of humor, enjoy dining out or cooking in,catching a movie or just staying at home relaxing listening to music and reading a good book. I hope to hear back from you.......Tom

I can't find my email back to Tom, but I must have responded with a request for his picture. I'm shallow like that I guess. So he sent one with absolutely no comment in his email. I figured he was annoyed by my short "Picture Please" comment to him. But I opened up the attachment and thought "Hey there fella. How you doin'?".
Again, being a little short on words, I sent back my response:

Tuesday, November 7, 2000
Subject: Re: Match.com--you've got mail: Hello
From Sister Honey Bunch
Cute
(Yep. That's all I wrote.)

Wenesday, November 8, 2000
Subject: Re: Match.com--you've got mail: Hello
From Tom:
Hello...not sure if your one word response is good or bad, but am sure you will give me a more detailed response in time. Anyway, why did you move toTC from Petoskey? It's beautiful up there as well, but I think that there is more here to do. You must have some more questions for me---fire away!Looking forward to hearing back from you. Tom

(Now, is my Tommy not the nicest man? I am fairly certain I was on his Strike One list.)

Wednesday November 8, 2000
From Sister Honey Bunch
Subject: Hey Tom!
The one word response was complete and to the point. You're cute. (Rude, thy name is Sister HB) I've been pretty busy today with very little energy, so I wasn't able to write much more than that. I stayed up until 4:30am to watch the election and I am TIRED! Wow. What a race.
I moved to Petoskey 3 years ago to become the Marketing Director of a high-end retirement community. I absolutely loved my job, but I decided I wanted to go back to school. I knew I couldn't continue in my position and go take classes at the same time because one or the other would suffer.

I decided to move to TC because I could find a marketing job making decent money with fewer responsibilities allowing me to go to school (at night) and not stress myself out. It was very hard to move here because I was so attached to my residents, and my house, and my friends, etc. and because change is kind of hard. However, I am so happy here. It is the best thing I could have done.

Now, Tommy Boy, why are you in TC? What's your story?

Wednesday, November 8, 2000
From Tom
Subject: Hey Tom!
Hello Judi. What's my story? Well, I would consider myself to be an honest, open, intelligent and nice guy. You don't have to take my word for it---all my friends would tell you that.

Yes I have many friends ---in the past we have gone on vacations and trips together etc. and always have a great time.

(This is relevant as I dated many freaks who for some reason didn't have friends. My profile specified that if a guy wanted to contact me, he must have them. Otherwise, don't waste your time and mine. Remember my single internet friends, there is something detrimentally wrong with a man who doesn't have a friend.)

I moved to TC because it has always been my dream to live up north. It was kind of hard myself to leave the Detroit area as all my friends and family live there. Most of my friends are married now and are having kids, so their lives are quite busy.

Yeah--- I stayed up late myself and going to bed pretty early. So what do you like to do? turn on/offs? Do you enjoy the outdoors? traveling? dining out? Okay--enough questions for now. Looking forward to hearing back from you. I'm going to bed! Tom

So, Tommy had my heart a-going pitter-patter. I really liked him. So what did I do? I put him to the test. I had my girlfriend Joy sign up with match.com and hit on him. They wrote back and forth a couple times, but he had a big ol' crush on me and didn't pursue anything further. That's my boy.

We made plans to meet for dinner. I stood him up. And not in a very nice way either. Oh no, I was too chicken. I called the restaurant where we would be meeting and asked the hostess to let him know I was unable to make our date. How awful was I? And yet, he came back for more.

Sunday, November 19, 2000
From Sister Honey Bunch
Subject: sounds good to me...
Listen Judi---I totally understand. By the way, my phone number is xxx-xxxx. Of course I still want to hook up with you. You seem like a fun person and please don't feel bad that you blew me off!!!! I am a very patient and persistent person and am looking forward to meeting you. I'll give you a call this week before I leave for Downstate. And I certainly don't think that you are a "shit" . Actually, I appreciate your effort to contact me and there is no need for any apology. Will talk to you this week. Tom

Reading that right now is making me all weepy. He was (and still is) exactly what I needed. I have more to share. And I will later. But right now, I must go snuggle with my fella.

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No See TV: Life Without Cable part I

So my dearest Jimmy Eat World and I got rid of cable. We decided we wanted to spend more time time sitting and staring into each others eyes or writing poetry...can you hear Honey Bunch retching right now? But really, the expense just wasn't merited, we weren't watching anything worthwhile and wanted to be watching less anyway. TV was just serving as a distraction from life and from each other. So we canceled it and because we live in the Hobbit Hole our bunny ears only gets PBS and if you squint you can make out CBS, NBC and ABC- and that is with tin foil and a precariously balanced fork. Now I can't be expected to just sit and do nothing on nights when Jimmy Eat World is working his late hours so I get things to watch from Netflix. For a mere $16 a month we get 3 movies at one time unlimited plus all I want to watch online! As I go through my viewings I'll give you a little review of what I'm watching.

This month will be my Firefly Review.

Firefly was created by Writer/Director Joss Whedon who also did Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Angel series. Joss Weadon is an excellent writer director and this shows in all his work. The thing I like about him is that he keeps you guessing and no one is ever safe. He will kill off people you love therefore you are always on the edge of your seat wondering.

When you think Firefly think space cowboys with hearts of gold. This series only ran for one season but had such a hardcore fan base that after it was canceled they came out with the full length motion picture Serenity to wrap up where the series left off. This movie was fairly successful and opened at number two. Think about that- a major motion picture coming out of a short lived canceled series. Pretty cool huh?

Meet Malcolm Reynolds, renegade smuggler captain of the Firefly ship named Serenity and former Sargent in the war between the Alliance and the Independents. He was on the losing side and Serenity starts around 6 years after the war. Zoe is his first mate as she was in the war with him and always calls him Captain. She is totally sassy, she fights, slings pistols, is smart and funny and totally hot. She's married to Wash, who pilots Serenity and adores her to no end and he's very funny!

Jayne, who is your shiftless no-good, back-stabbing, pig-stealing hornball jerk. He's likable because he's super funny but he'd sell his mother if the price was right. Occasionally his conscious creeps in on him and you can see him struggling to cope with the feelings of guilt that are not something he's used to. Kaylee is a cute down homey girl who is a wiz mechanic, good hearted and has a serious crush on the Doctor.

The non-crew inhabitants are Inara, who "rents" space in the ships pod and is a registered companion which is essentially a very high class call girl but more respectable and sought after. There are sparks that fly between her and Mal quite a bit.

Simon, the Doctor and River, his sister are what often ends up complicating the lives of the crew of Serenity. Simon enters as a wealthy doctor looking for transport but you find out that he rescued his sister from an elite school of sorts and is now wanted by the Alliance.

River is a very psychologically damaged girl and he tries to figure out what happened to her so he can help treat her. Their relationship is very loving and you come to understand that he gave up his whole life to try to save his little sister.

Shepherd Book is the Preacher Man. He's funny, knows more about politics, guns and such than you would expect from someone living in an abbey to know. There is more to him than meets the eye. Together they make up a little family/community on board their ship and you can see they have genuine affection for one another.

One of the things I love most about this show is the opening song that plays with the credits, this was written by Joss as well. It sounds like an old cowboy singing about independence and I can't stop myself from singing along each time it plays. Watching it just now made me a little...weepy almost...I just really grew to love these characters and I'm sad that this show was so short lived. ...sigh.

You HAVE to watch the opening credits below if for no other reason but to hear the great theme song.

Firefly is well written, the characters are compelling and the dialogue is really funny. It's good men (and women) in hard times still doing what is right because its right. Its a shame it only lasted one season.
****************************************
5 of 5 stars.
some sexual situations
partial nudity (like the side of an ass or a bare back)
Violence...lots of it but not gory.

...what? There's a writers strike? I hadn't noticed! During this programing drought what are you doing with your time while you wait for the latest episode of Desperate Housewives?
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